Sunday, 27 May 2012

Rules of iPhone / Android App Dating..........

In this modern world we have plethora of ways for homosexually active and/or gay identified men to meet each other.

Gone are the days of simply turning up at the mens room of a train station, sporting ground or bus station.  We now are very fortunate to have at our literal fingertips such resources in the form of Scruff, Grindr, Blendr, Recon, Growlr, Squirt.org, and Mister et al.

However, it should be noted that there are rules in place to govern the use of such applications.  Please note and adhere to the following.  Should there be any infraction of said rules, the Velvet Mafia will schedule a meeting with you on grounds of educational instruction and social enforcement .

1.  Please remember to put in your profile your aim of meeting ONLY someone significantly hotter than yourself.

2.  If you include "open to mates" and/or "new social contacts" it is important to note that if you are a buffed, beautiful individual with the looks of a model and/or adult actor - you should only accept social invitations from someone as hot as you.  Yes, it is charitable of you to have a social meal with a 'fatty' but it could ultimately lead to your excommunication from your social matrix.  Please hunt within your own.

3.  NEVER include your real weight.  The only individuals allowed to do this belong to the aforementioned social matrix in point 2.  ALWAYS make sure you list your real weight as 20lbs ( 8kgs ) less than your actual.

4.  If you spend a large amount of time in the gym, or if you are genetically blessed with an athletic physique, you must have a profile photo that shows you either with one arm up and the hand placed behind your head, thus displaying your bicep.  Or, a shot only consisting of your torso - but it must include your chest and abs at full flex please.

5.  It is perfectly acceptable to put "not looking for hookups" in your profile.  This is permissible even if you do spend 90% of your time with your legs in the air and the activity between your legs resembling a jackhammer during heavy construction.

6.  DO make yourself sound more interesting than you actually are.  People are trying to escape their own boredom after all.

7.  Of course you may describe and list those races that you find sexually repulsive.  This is a non-offensive social mechanism that provides clear lines of demarcation and assists others in knowing what you are actually seeking.

8.  No never means no.  If someone ignores or rebuffs your primary, secondary and tertiary advances, of course it is appropriate to continuously message and/or woof/growl/ping/grope them.

9.  It is perfectly acceptable - indeed expected - that your profile photo may be up to 10 years old.  If you succeed in planning a hook up, there is no need for concern.  Naturally when they turn up they will forgive the subterfuge and allow you to - at a minimum - perform oral sex on them.

10.  Lastly - but by no means leastly - it is vitally important that you list yourself as a TOTAL TOP ONLY.  This will allow us all to know that you are indeed a bottom with an orifice the likes of the main hall of the Sydney Opera House.  After all, how else would we know?

I hope this clarifies the rules.... that sounds harsh doesn't it ........... the social etiquette and implicit understandings of how one should comport oneself when engaging in the personally fulfilling and socially progressive activity that is App Dating.

Thank you for your time..

Damien

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2 comments:

EMikeGarcia said...

Oh this is SO great and sadly so accurate.

Though I must admit to not changing my weight in my Adam4Adam profile for two years, and thusly, being 20 pounds heavier than it actually says.

Damien said...

Naughty Mikey lol - the Velvet Mafia has been made aware.....