The following is a list of the things that are "happening" in my mind......
- Emotions battle with each other for supremacy - yet there is never a winner....
- My brain will "break" in a nano-second and I will go from what ever mood I am in to something completely different....
- My broken brain generates dreams that would scare the shit out of both Dali and Tarentino - in one of them I am a serial killer.......... what I do would make Dahmer puke.....
- I can be in the mall - perfectly fine and having a wonderful time shopping and enjoying myself - then my brain will sprain and I am suddenly and totally terrified of those around me....
- I am completely and absolutely alone in my head..... there are none that experience what I do... it is the nature of mental illness that is unique to the individual....
- The 'Monster" will circle me like a Great White Shark...... but will move off.... I feel safe... then I am suddenly thrown from the ocean of my sanity into a moment of madness that is so terrifying it would make you shit your pants.... really....
- I have no flight or fight mode........... only "escape"........
- I seek change but have no earthly idea what to change or how or when ......
- I desperately desire the company of others.... but their company makes me so anxious I have to go shit.... repeatedly.... no kidding....
- My anxiety reflex is shitting......... repeatedly... sometimes 7 times a day....... attractive isn't it...
- I question the most simple and non-offensive of remarks...... often negatively.... always in a self reflective mode.... usually to my detriment.....
- I seek comfort........... but I know not from whom or what......
- Bubb provides the only sense of "safety" I have.... He is a blessing from G-d and an answer to a prayer I spent nearly three years praying for..... Miracles do happen - and he is one......
- I am tired...... all the time...... bone tired...... mentally exhausted.....
- I have a high IQ - which means I get bored easily..... If I am not stimulated somehow.... the "Monster" pounces... and I have no defence against it.....
- When I am 'up'............I am Everest........ when I am 'down' ............ I am the Marianus Trench.....
- There is no way .... no words or language.... that can describe how utterly alone I feel... even when surrounded by those I love and am loved by......
- I am not a drama queen............ and you should NEVER call someone with depression that name.... we are sick........ just like a physical sickness, but it is centred in our brain.....
- I have no answers to the hundreds of questions my "self" asks me....
- I feel like an idiot all the time........ for no reason......
- I don't know how else to describe it except for this........ I would not wish this illness on the worst of enemies..... the most inhumane dictator.... nor the worst criminal.......
My love & blessings to you all....
Shalom
Damien
xox
3 comments:
From the Laurential Abyss to the Marianus Trench - I salute you.
Honest and interesting post, thank you for sharing.
Thank you for that.....it's so true, and your friends will never understand what seems to be madness.
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