Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Saturday, 5 July 2014

Things Not To Say.......

........To someone with Clinical Depression.......

  1. What's your problem?
  2. You just need a hobby.
  3. Go for a walk.
  4. If you just tried harder......
  5. Don't focus on negativity.
  6. Smile!
  7. Why can't you just feel happy?
  8. How bad can it be?
  9. I was depressed too when "particular" TV show finished.
  10. Just get up and go to work.
  11. Sleeping so much isn't good for you.
  12. It could be your medication.
  13.  And my personal favourite ..................... It's just attention seeking.

Yeah...................... attention seeking.

Saturday, 22 February 2014

RIP ... Ms Charlotte Dawson ....

Ms Charlotte Dawson - Australian Celebrity - Co-Host of Australias Next Top Model - Mental Illness Warrior - Challenger of Bullies - and Celebrity who was always happy to chat to the little people...... is dead.

After such a light hearted post below.... this is a really hard one to write.  However, I know she would want all of us to continue to find joy in each day...

I had talked to Charlotte a few times on Twitter about bullying, our shared mental illness issues, and her struggles to keep her head above water.  I found her intelligent, so bloody funny, self-deprecating and humble.

May HaShem embrace her and welcome her with love and a smile.....

I will miss her presence in the world.  A beautiful, intelligent warrior who challenged the bullies, the naysayers and the nasties has left us.

Today is a day where the trolls, bullies and beasts won....

Australia is less today.... 

Thursday, 13 February 2014

How Precious Is Life....

No it is not a question, it is a statement.

How precious is life.

On Monday night this week, someone I know emptied a half bottle of valium into themselves.

This was not HBO.  This was not on the TV.  This was not a faceless article in the news.  This was not a couple of codeine with a vodka chaser.  This was a couple dozen valium taken because someone had decided that life was now simply too hard.

This was not someone being a drama queen.
This was not someone seeking attention.
This was not a cry for help.

This was someone deciding that life was just too difficult now.  That death was preferable to any sort of life.

This person has a roof over their head.  Food in their stomach.  A job.  A car.  Family.  And death was more preferable to life.

How did this make me feel?

Everything but angry.

Numb.  Heartbroken.  Sad.  Scared.  Helpless.  Desperate.  Nothing.  Everything.

The thing is, I understand that impulse.  At my worst in 2001, I carried around a full bottle of prescription sleeping pills for a week.  The only reason I didn't take them was a phone call from my mother one night who was calling "just to say hi".  But this isn't about me.

And it is.

When depression is referred to as The Black Dog, The Monster, The Enemy, people aren't kidding.

It is now Thursday night and I am sitting still unable to make sense of it all if I am honest.  And I live with my depression 24/7.  And yet, I can not understand the exact depth of pain that person was feeling at that particular moment.

You see, I have known this person for a long time and am well aware of (so I thought) how hard life is for them.
At least I thought.  You see, I would never have thought that they would actually do what they did.  Yes I had heard them mention it a few times, most people with Clinical Depression want to die at some point.    And many succeed.

THAT is the statistic we hear about - the ones who DO die.

What we don't hear about ENOUGH are the ones that attempt to die, or hurt themselves.  My friend is one of those people who we do not think about.  For every person who DOES succeed in suicide, it is estimated that 30 people attempt to.

These statistics are not newsworthy because these people live.  Well, it was newsworthy for me on Monday night.  And this person is not a statistic, they are a friend I care about.

I am talking about statistics here because it is still too difficult for me to talk about it directly for too long.  It is only the 4th night after.

This person has told me how much I mean to them and how important my friendship is to them.  And yet, they still took the valium.

In that moment - I was not enough
In that moment - their family was not enough.
In that moment - a potential future was not enough.
In that moment - life was not enough.

How precious is life.

Treasure it and never take it for granted.

And if this happens to you, and you are sitting at your computer surfing the web on the 4th night and you still do not know what to make of it, that is ok.

It will simply take time.  For you and for them.

There is only one thing I will say - it is worth NOT taking the valium.
Things can change, even if just a small amount.

On the 4th night, I have realised that my life has changed.  I can not describe how just yet.  And I may not share it when I work out how.

This is just how I am right at this moment of typing.  

For someone I know, life has also changed for them.  When they know how, I hope they will tell me.

To Life.


Saturday, 14 December 2013

Broken Brain Saturday..

**this is not a sympathy post.

I think I have spoken several times about the unpredictability of Depression and how it can sometimes take you by surprise.

There are times when you see/feel/sense the triggers and that assists in preparing you for the inevitable event.  In some cases, you can take steps to effectively minimise the length and depth of the episode.  Other times - like today - you cannot.

I have trouble sleeping at the best of times.  I always have.  Part of this is my sleep apnoea (for which I am in the process of getting treated for) but part of it is I have a brain that will not shut down.  My brain is continually on the "CD Shuffle".  Whilst I can consciously concentrate on something - like this blog post -  my brain will also have several other things going on at the same time.  There is always some sort of music going on in my head on constant replay.  Today it is "Putting It Together" by Streisand from her Broadway Album (I listened to it in the car yesterday).  I have ideas about my novel that are going through my head etc etc.  I don't have a polluted stream of consciousness, I have a polluted RIVER SYSTEM of consciousness - with many tributaries off to the side.

Earlier in my life after my depression was diagnosed, I genuinely thought I had been misdiagnosed and was actually schizophrenic.  I told my (then) psychologist "It can't be normal for someone to have music going in their head ALL the time".  (I do btw.  There is ALWAYS some sort of music / theme / song playing in my head.  Very annoying at bed time).  A later psychologist advised me that based on all my previously history she was very comfortable saying I was not schizophrenic.  What she did say I had was what she referred to as "busy brain syndrome". 

Basically, my brain can not stop.  It constantly seeks input.  It constantly processes that input.  And basically plays around with it in my head.  The music is apparently a response to when my brain is too quiet.  It needs something happening. 

Thankfully, the anti-depressants have mitigated this somewhat.  But I still have days, like today, where my mind will just not leave me alone.  The downside is that today, it is playing around with memories that are painful, disturbing and horrifying to me.  I am recalling all sorts of events in my life that were very negative and hurtful/painful.  As such, my day has basically been a write off.  I am anxious, uneasy, scared and sad. 

Now whilst this sounds sad, it is more an annoyance to be honest with you.  I had wanted to go out today, maybe to the mall, maybe just for a quiet coffee somewhere.  But I am too on edge to do that.  So I am sitting here watching several shows from Shark Week.  HUGE fan of Shark Week on Discovery Channel and never miss it. 

But again - my broken brain has bested me.

I genuinely wonder if I will ever best it?

That's it for me.

Shalom and blessings to you all


Thursday, 26 September 2013

Why I Hate My Brain....

For the Haters and Mr Sad - don't read this - actually fuck off from my blog altogether please - you bore me.

In the post below I mentioned how I hate moving house - and how I hate moving a house whilst being a depressive.

My broken brain- henceforth referred to as brobra - is a pain in the ass when it comes to ANYTHING out of the ordinary that isn't routine or part of my "ritual".

For most people, change is something that they can adapt to with a bit of moaning, groaning, but ultimately being able to absorb the challenge and go forward.  For those with mental illness of any kind, this is extremely difficult and here is why.

The primary tactic mental health professionals will tell you is STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE.  Have a structure to your day.  Even if it is a loose one, have some sort of framework for how you start and journey through your day. 

Sounds simple right?  It is one of the hardest things to do because life rarely lets your have a structured day.  From the little hiccups at work, to life events, to a change of work schedule, or a major life event, the structure often gets thrown out the window.  And the effect is something like this.......

You begin to run around like a crazy woman at an end of season sale.
Your heart rate doubles.
You begin to shut down - bit by bit.
Someone stands behind you glueing bricks to every part of your body, weighing you down.
And you suddenly find yourself standing on the brink of a chasm that seems not only impossible to get to the other side of, but you are convinced that if you even try, you'll fall to your death.

Sound dramatic?  It isn't drama.  Its a brobra in panic mode. 

I have actually broken down crying today whilst putting in place a plan just for the next two days as that is all I can handle.  My ability to plan whilst remaining even partly funtional is 48 hours.

That's life with a brobra.  And I am only a Clinical Depressive, if I was a Manic Depressive (Bipolar) I would more than likely be in hospital on heavy meds.

So........ for those who live without mental illness, this is a little insight into a life with it.

Fun huh?

Blessings n Shalom to you all


Thursday, 18 July 2013

Kevin Breel... Confessions of Depression......

The single most honest and clearest description of Depression I have ever heard.  Including my own.

Watch this.  It will only take a small amount of your time.


But as you do, know this............ in the time it takes you to watch it 22 people have taken their lives in the world due to Depression.

I live with this each and every day of my life and to say it is a struggle would demean it.  It's a war. 

We must do more.

Monday, 24 June 2013

Aggression and Awkwardness.....

Two things that are a by-product of my depression.


If you ever meet me in person - and a few have - one thing you'll find is that I am quite often rather awkward.  This can be silly, miss-the-mark jokes or humour.  To flat out barely saying two words.  I was VERY lucky when I met the adorable Brenton from Aussielicious for the first time.  We had been chatting for a few years and developed a nice e-friendship in the process.  So meeting him wasn't too bad.  (What he didn't know was that I was sweating SO hard with nerves that I was almost able to wring out my jeans after).

The awkwardness can also - somewhat more embarrassingly - manifest as sweat.  When I meet someone; go to a pub on my own; go to the mall; and find that there are ... oh my god... PEOPLE... I kinda lose it.  Whilst you may see me in the corner of the Oxford Hotel on my next trip to Sydney looking quite calm and laid back as I drink my Bundaberg Rum and Coke, inside I am totally shitting myself so hard that 'Depends' keeps texting and offering me shares in the company.

Social settings are something I find SO incredibly difficult.  I can be pretty good one on one.  But a group of people?  Or a place where lots of people are?  Oh just go ahead and scoop out my testicles with a rusty spoon, it'd be far less painful.  When I was younger I had NO problem dealing with people.  A blonde, twink, ballet dancer with a butt you could bounce a football team off generally doesn't have to worry about what people are thinking.  But now my depression - which came with a free side of paranoia - sits on my shoulder and whispers to me so many lovely things that it imagines people are thinking of me.

Awkward.  Uncomfortable.  And, sweaty.   Form a line boys - don't rush :)


This is a part of my depression that I actually fear. 

Many with depression will tell you that when a mood swing hits, it will either be a glacial change over a few days, or it'll be in a second or less.  My aggression usually does a full change in about 3 nano-seconds. 

For example - there is a woman in the team next to mine at my current job.  She is loud.  Oh so loud.  And she has a voice that sounds like a marriage of a screeching banshee and a cat being slowly shredded in a mincer.  And today, from 8am when she arrived, until 1215 when I went on lunch, it did..... not.... stop.  She laughed.  She joked.  She laughed some more.  Then she got on the phone and screeched on there.  Seriously, I'm not talking just talk - she was booming off the walls.  And I didn't have my headphones.  From the very first dissonant guffaw I wanted to hit her.  I wasn't just annoyed or bothered - I actually wanted to get up, go over there, and smack the living shit out of her.  Another time, a guy bumped in to me at the mall.  Total accident.  Busy place.  I wanted to grab the nearest blunt instrument and pummel him with it.  For real. 

Thankfully, I have a healthy measure of self-control.  But these examples above aren't souped up for good reading, these are the impulses I have.  I really want to hit people at times.  Other times, the Monster will come up without any catalyst.  I can be laughing at Kathy Griffin on YouTube one minute, to wanting to grab a four by two and take everyone out in the room the next.

Scares the crap out of me.

It all makes for an event filled life :)

I hate my depression.  But I also hate my asthma.  I take my meds.  I get up and go to work and I deal with it.  It's the best I can do.

Oh....and if I am talking to you and sweating like a pig....just think how I sweat in the sack lol :)

Shalom and blessings to you all


Tuesday, 23 April 2013

I Am Tired....

When I go to bed...

When I get up in the morning...

From my Depression...

For my friend whose depression overwhelms him...

A side effect of my anti-depressants and asthma steroid...

Of looking for a new job...

Of not being taken seriously - though that is partly my fault for playing the role I believe others expect of me...

Of being a pussy and too scared to finish my novel for fear of rejection...

Of being fat...

Of having no energy... at all... ever....

Of wanting a life but not having any energy for one...

Of waiting in general...

Of being a "politely treated but not engaged" friend to some people...

Of not knowing what I did to deserve the crap of the last 5 years...

Of putting on my happy / smiley face because people don't respond to who I actually am very favourably...

Of being fine one minute.... then feeling absolutely desperate the next...

Of trying to make choices that don't piss people off and failing...

Of being tired 24/7...

Monday, 28 January 2013

Going Under...

I discovered Evanescence in 2005 and fell in love with the tortured lyrics and melodic cries for help.

It was my depression in a soundtrack.

I particularly like this song because it describes me when I am in an episode - it also visually describes my fear of people. 

On some days when I leave the house this is how the outside world appears to me (metaphorically of course not literally) and I am fearful of crowds and unknown people. I have been out and about and in a second my brain will flick the switch and I feel like I am in the middle of a Dali-esque horror scene.

Mall trips can be fun for me on MANY levels lol.


Sunday, 30 December 2012

All I Want In 2013 Is To Be Understood........

My "Monster" - Clinical Depression - means that my responses or reactions or actions can sometimes swing from one extreme to the other.

A blogger I look up to is no longer answering my emails.  This blogger is someone I respect immensely and - along with Brenton at Aussielicious - got me inspired to build my own blog.  But unfortunately he appears to have - I am guessing here - found my extreme swings and somewhat "quirky" ways difficult to deal with.

And as someone that he has no real link to or interest in, I feel he has simply washed his hands of me.  I don't think there is any malice in his decision, but as busy as he is these days, I simply believe has come to the conclusion that he just doesn't have the time or energy for it.  Again, which I can understand.

What saddens me though, is that I both like and respect this person immensely.  I flippantly attempted to throw myself at him in a professional way, and it could have been misinterpreted in several different ways - one of them being that it may have been seen as me attempting to take advantage of his new situation.

This got me thinking......... I have been described by people as being "hard to keep up with".  And I am.  I have been told that I can come across as having one set of intentions, when actually my intent is completely different.  The Monster can take me from wo to yay to "I want to go postal and take you all with me" all in one day....... sometimes all in one hour.

I'm a naturally effusive guy and can often be misinterpreted as being sycophantic or kiss-arse.

I speak my mind and will do so bluntly and with less eloquence and more cussing than I  normally would and yes, sometimes I do tend to overreact.  Again, in hindsight, I wish I hadn't but it is often difficult to stop the Monster from egging me on.

Not that I say any of the above to try to give myself free license to do or say anything and blame it on the Monster, more to show that the Monster DOES have an influence over me.  Sometimes more.  Sometimes less.

So here is my New Year Challenge to All of You......

Look beyond the obvious.  Try to see me as something else than a blogger who "appears" to be all over the place.  Ask me if you need to understand something or if I say something that you believe to be inappropriate or over the top.

I'm quirky.  Cooky.  And sometimes altogether ooky.

But I am also honest, loyal and will never lie to you.

After a year of being misunderstood by many, maybe now I can have a year where people really do see inside the bubble of the Monster and are able to distinguish between HIM and ME.

I am worth the effort.  Just as I try to make the effort with others.


Because I/We should try :) - through the trying we often happen upon wondrous things we never expected to happen upon.

May 2013 bring you all health, happiness and hope.

Thank you so much for visiting throughout 2012.

My blessings and my prayers.


Monday, 29 October 2012

The Sadness of Others.....

Having Clinical Depression is a burden to bear - no doubt - but I often look to those who suffer it much worse than I.

There is a pain in seeing your loved ones suffer.  Be it physical or mental illness.  The difference is that in many instances - tho not all - you can alleviate physical suffering.  It's significantly more difficult to alleviate mental suffering.

I have a thousand and one ways that I can describe how *I* feel - how *my* depression affects me - and those few things that can assist *me* - but it's only about / concerning / affecting me. One can not understand someone else's mental illness - because it is all so different - some subtly so, some widely so.

When it's someone you care deeply about / love, it is a pain that is a dull throbbing of your heart that doesn't worsen, but never eases either.

There is a helplessness and frustration one feels when there is nothing left you can do to lessen their burden.  You know they are in a similar type of pain.  You know there is a *possible* way you *might* help them - but there is a good chance it won't work...

Unfortunately, the by-product of this can be an aggravation of ones' own Depression.  Not good.

But how can you NOT try to help?  Of course it will take a toll on you.  But ask someone taking care of a loved one through say cancer, or HIV, or alzheimers.... they'll all tell you at times there can be a moment of "really?? again??" but they won't walk away.  You can't.  You won't.  It's love.

Do you have a friend or loved one with Depression/Serious Illness?  Are you always there for them?   Do you feel that urge to walk away sometimes?  If you do - congratulations, you're a real person.  If you get up every morning with a sunny disposition knowing that you are going to "do good" - you probably have the 'Florence Nightingale' complex and are DOING less good and more LOOKING good.

We often kid ourselves about the impact we have on other peoples lives, but it doesn't mean anyone should not try to make a difference.  Managing the expectations of ones impact is more difficult.

I'd like to think that I make a measurable impact on others and certainly I have been told so, but the frustration and the helplessness still hangs around.

I guess I am not managing my own expectations well enough.

Blessings n Shalom


PS A moment of serenity - taken when needed :)

Saturday, 6 October 2012

Inside My Mind......

I was having a discussion once with a work colleague about depression.... her husband is a Clinical Depressive like me, but won't open up to her about the reality of what it's like for him ......her question was.... "What happens in your mind?"..... 

The following is a list of the things that are "happening" in my mind......
  • Emotions battle with each other for supremacy - yet there is never a winner....
  • My brain will "break" in a nano-second and I will go from what ever mood I am in to something completely different....
  • My broken brain generates dreams that would scare the shit out of both Dali and Tarentino - in one of them I am a serial killer.......... what I do would make Dahmer puke.....
  • I can be in the mall - perfectly fine and having a wonderful time shopping and enjoying myself - then my brain will sprain and I am suddenly and totally terrified of those around me.... 
  • I am completely and absolutely alone in my head..... there are none that experience what I do... it is the nature of mental illness that is unique to the individual....
  • The 'Monster" will circle me like a Great White Shark...... but will move off.... I feel safe... then I am suddenly thrown from the ocean of my sanity into a moment of madness that is so terrifying it would make you shit your pants.... really....
  • I have no flight or fight mode........... only "escape"........
  • I seek change but have no earthly idea what to change or how or when ......
  • I desperately desire the company of others.... but their company makes me so anxious I have to go shit.... repeatedly.... no kidding....
  • My anxiety reflex is shitting......... repeatedly... sometimes 7 times a day....... attractive isn't it...
  • I question the most simple and non-offensive of remarks...... often negatively.... always in a self reflective mode.... usually to my detriment.....
  • I seek comfort........... but I know not from whom or what......
  • Bubb provides the only sense of "safety" I have.... He is a blessing from G-d and an answer to a prayer I spent nearly three years praying for..... Miracles do happen - and he is one......
  • I am tired...... all the time...... bone tired...... mentally exhausted.....
  • I have a high IQ - which means I get bored easily..... If I am not stimulated somehow.... the "Monster" pounces... and I have no defence against it.....
  • When I am 'up'............I am Everest........ when I am 'down' ............ I am the Marianus Trench.....
  • There is no way .... no words or language.... that can describe how utterly alone I feel... even when surrounded by those I love and am loved by......
  • I am not a drama queen............ and you should NEVER call someone with depression that name.... we are sick........ just like a physical sickness, but it is centred in our brain.....
  • I have no answers to the hundreds of questions my "self" asks me....
  • I feel like an idiot all the time........ for no reason......
  • I don't know how else to describe it except for this........ I would not wish this illness on the worst of enemies..... the most inhumane dictator.... nor the worst criminal....... 
Clinical Depression.......... if you do not have it you will never understand.... if you have it, you will only EVER understand your own.... and when you do...... the "Monster" will change the rules....

My love & blessings to you all....



Sunday, 12 August 2012

I Am In Jail.......

I call my Depression one of two things.... The Broken Brain.... and/or The Monster... in reality it should be called The Warden.

There is so much I want to do but my D has me afraid of people - leaving the house - taking chances.

Yes I am having a bad day.  First bad funk in a while.... with the exception of the usual melancholy or numb days.

I have so many talents and creative skills.  I have a good personality.  And I have so much I want to do.  But the thought of leaving my house and going "out there" and taking a chance terrifies me.

Yes I am able to shrug it all off with that twisted sense of humour of mine.  But The Warden is IN today and I feel worthless and useless and I hate myself.  More than usual.

It will pass and I'll be back to Happy Charming Funny Damien (yeah yeah.... I know...)

But today I am a prisoner of The Warden in a Jail that feels like a dark hole with no ladder or ability to climb out.

If any of you ever think people living with Clinical Depression "Dont have it that bad / Are just drama queens" - come back and read my posts.

Coz I'm sugar coating it. 

If I told you the thoughts that actually went through my head and the emotions and fears I have in HONEST detail............. you'd crap yourself.

Clinical Depression is a Jail and my broken brain is the Warden.

I hate it - but I have no choice but to live with it.

Shabbat Shalom and Blessings to you all.


Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Someone You Know Is Suffering..........

Clinical Depression affects 1in 10 in Australia - 1 in 6 in the USA.

Most will have to see between 4 & 10 doctors before they are properly diagnosed.

Of those with Depression who are misdiagnosed, 1 in 5 will attempt suicide.  20% of those will succeed.

Gay Men  & Lesbians experience Environmental Depression - depression caused by ones life environment - at a rate 4 times that of their Heterosexual counterparts.

Depression is mostly organic - that is hereditary - as are most mental illnesses.

Depression can also be episodic - directly caused by a life episode eg...
  • Infection of HIV / diagnosis of a terminal illness
  • Death of loved one
  • Loss of a job
  • Betrayal / disassociation by a partner
  • Bullying
  • Major Illness
Those with Manic Depression - also known as Biploar Disorder - live with an illness often described as "Periods of sanity interrupted by periods of a chaotic horror that can not be adequately described" - Few Manic Depressives who attempt suicide survive.

Those with Depression are often shunned by friends / family and often referred to as "Needy / High Maintenance / Attention Seeking / Precious /  Difficult".  When the individual attempts to explain their feelings, they are often ridiculed and/or told such phrases as "Don't be silly" - "Toughen Up" - "Why can't you be 'easier'?"

Those with Depression are 4 times as likely to engage in some form of patterned behaviour such as excessive alcohol intake, high levels of promiscuity, higher recreational drug use (most commonly marijuana and/or speed).

Few doctors are trained in Depression and patients often report that they have been informed by their doctor to "Get a hobby and try to keep yourself occupied".

By the time you have finished reading this - 1 person in Australia will have committed suicide - 10 people in America will have committed suicide.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

...2 Support........Who Is Doing Movember??......

............if you are doing Movember - send me your link so I can put it on the blog.

I'm not doing Movember this year but very happy to help promote others who are :)

Shalom all


Wednesday, 9 November 2011

...........2 Funny...........&.......... 2 Sad......... Kinda...........

after my previous post of the funny antics of silly politicians, out of the blue I got a question from someone asking if there was a song that .......... to me............ described depression............

and here it is ....... it's a small glimpse......... but an honest one.................

PS For all those participating in Movember this year.... thank you...........

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

.....2 Just Send Lillies......I Have Bird Flu............

..................actually I don't - although my doctor CERTAINLY earned his money yesterday.......

...........I seem to have caught the virus a couple of work colleagues are passing back and forth (grist for the rumour mill if you ask me - and I am gunna get a-starting a few let me tell you).....

.......Secondly I went to the doctor last night a for a new Anti-Depressant and WOW - it turned into a quasi-counselling session where a lot more came out than my desire for a med that actually works......... Needless to say he was brilliant - as always - and there is not just light at the end of the tunnel - I feel like I am now standing on the top of a hill as dawn breaks and you feel those first few rays of sunshine caress you from the top of your head down and that warmth enfolds you like a mother's embrace......

..... So whilst I am feeling dreadful today - "Francis, now I know why you looked like you did" (internal joke) - I also feel that there is now serious cause for a little joy.....

........ I like it when Life let's you have a win................ it's good shit............

..........My love and blessings to you all.............



Friday, 4 November 2011

....2 Deja Vu..........New Season........New Med.......

..............well my depression has decided it no longer likes my med so I am off to the doctors again on Monday for a new one .....

***insert dazed and somewhat confused look here*** - oh here it is !!!

........Changing meds is a MAJOR pain in the arse.... new side effects......... adjustment time........ mood swings........ chronic fatigue......... blah blah blah........ it's a merry go round I have been on before and the music is now taking on that somewhat distorted tone when the power is slowly being cut............ this isn't poor me......... just another insight into Chronic Clinical Depression............

....Shabbat Shalom.....


Thursday, 28 April 2011

.......2 Reveal........ What This Blog Has Brought Me..... it is day 9 of the current major episode - my first major depressive episode in 3 years.......

.......... One of the things that come to mind is the amazing people that my blog has brought me into contact with - albeit electronically.........

My Lady Sue.......... of the blog Fair View Sue..... what a wonderful lady. A woman of immense character and integrity and an ability to soothe me in a way that mere words could never do before....

My Mistress MJ - of the blog Infomaniac - she is my most wonderful piece of Canadian Beaver - I know this because she sent me a postcard saying as much - her humour is a wonderful salve to my illness.........

My friend Brenton - of Aussielicious - I finally met Brenton recently during a trip to Sydney - aside from being breathtakingly handsome in real life - and he is - he has been a wonderful friend to me - I haven't met someone of such integrity and honesty since I first met my Bubb 9 years ago........

BosGuy - from the blog of the same name - doesnt say much - but when he does email I find myself reevaluating my view of him - funny, intelligent, handsome - I appreciate his patronage...

Viktor from Maybe Its Just Me - what a wonderful person - so sincere and so genuine - and he is a fellow Wonder Woman Fan - what more could I want?......

There are others - Scott from Bill In Exile - Toddy English from his self titled blog - Kez from Mutton Chopped Mutant ............

I am thankful each and every day for the way that blogs can bring many together.... for some it seems silly and somewhat sycophantic - for a clinical depressive like myself, it brings me into contact with people of substance and integrity.

It is so hard to describe how much of an outlet and source of comfort my blog can be. And if someone had told me that it would help me during such a bad episode, I would have laughed at them..... but it's true.

Thank you all for being here and visiting. I hope you do for a long time.

Todah Raba




Thursday, 3 March 2011

........A Meltdown........ A Comment........ A Big Arse......

...........Alright - here is a recap of the last week.

.........A Meltdown..........

So I had a pretty impressive meltdown a few days ago. It was the sort of meltdown that wanted me to go outside and pick a fight with a total stranger. It was the culmination of a few months of stress, loss, fear and a whole lot of asking myself "what the fuck just happened?" And I didn't lose one day of work. In fact - I don't even think Bubb picked up on it. I've gotten real good at the happy face. But I've been miserable and really angry all the same. Which is why the happy face dropped in such a spectacularly bad manner.

My desire to pick a fight with a stranger manifested in a blog post about American Bloggers. I won't say I regret it - but I do wish I had have written it in a clearer more intelligent manner. It makes me come across as a prick - and I'm really not a prick. But I was in that post.

My meltdown also had me get just a little aggressive with Bubb. That wasn't good either. To be honest, fighting with the one person you know you can always count on leaves you feeling pretty shitty.

...... A Comment .......

So a blogger I have had a bit of a crush on (stupid I know) basically had his own "meltdown moment" and not just called me out on my moment but also basically shat on me as well. I don't know what was behind his outburst but I am kind of wondering if there is more going on in his life than he wants to admit.

Any way - the reaction hurt big time - which also begged they question "Why do I care how and why this person who I never met hurt me?" - truth was - it did because I actually like how this guy puts himself out there. He does it very honestly and without any trappings. And I respect that - and I respected him.

Ah well......................

.......... A Big Arse ............

So - I have a big arse in my way - and that big arse is to medicate or not to medicate. I've been trying to whittle down my meds and I think that was probably not so great an idea. I really hate taking them though. For over 30 years I've had to take meds for my asthma. I hate taking medication - ALWAYS having to take them - every damn day. It reminds me what I have. And in this instance I have a mental illness.

Mental - what a fucking word????

I hate it. I hate living with it. I hate having it. I hate hate hate hate hate it.

And I'm being childish. I know it. But I just hate the fact that I am wired differently from other people. I can't tell you how much my brain pisses me off. I don't think like other people I don't act like other people. I don't react like other people.

I have periods of ease interspersed with meltdowns. And I never really know when the next one is coming. Do you know what that's like? Some of you do. But most of you couldn't even begin to imagine.

Picture it - a life where you actually have NO CLUE about when next your own brain will fire in the wrong direction and make you feel any of the following:
  • Miserable
  • Like an idiot
  • Reduced to a sobbing mess in a car as you back into a concrete pole
  • So anxious that you have to run to the loo and poop - coz THAT is your anxiety response?!?!?!
  • Afraid of people
  • A desire to lash out at people you don't even know
  • A desire to go out and drink everything you can find
So that's how I live. I don't share it coz I think "Oh look how bad it is" - or - "wow in spite of my life others' have it so much better". This is just my life.

This is some of the stuff that I will blog about.

I'll blog about a whole heap of other shit too.

Some of you will stay.

Some of you will leave.

Sadly - I'll like some of you and your blogs - and you'll think mine is shit and I'm a sad, whiney loser. I probably shouldn't let it get to me but I do.

SO............ I'm gonna do the same shit - might look a little different - might throw in something new - stay or leave.

For those of you who visit - I appreciate it. Here's to moving beyond meltdowns.

For those of you who think it's shit. I give a damn. But move on. I have so much of my own baggage I do not have the wattage to pay attention to yours.

So there it is.