I could quote Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle and the whole "observation of a phenomena changes the phenomena" etc, but simply put .......... there is nothing certain about depression, or any mental illness for that matter, except that it is always there.
Unlike some physical illnesses, you cannot cure mental illness.
You can diagnose, classify, manage, observe, investigate, monitor, mitigate and medicate it. But you can't cure it. And one point is quite simple.....it's called mental illness for a reason. You can't have the term without the word mental. It's not a nice thing to say, but it's the reality. The other reality is that you can rarely predict what it will do.
I often get the question "Do you feel it coming on?" like it is the cold or the flu. Yes, there are indicators I can watch out for. There are physical feelings that I know can be the beginning of a "funk". But even then I can't predict when or how it will manifest.
The one part of my depression that is the reality of living with mental illness for me is the aggression. And here's an example why. I can be walking past someone, someone I know and like at work, and they can bump me as they go by, all completely unintentional, and I'll giggle with them and wave it off and go back to my desk. But in my head this happens;
- They bump me.
- The knew they were going to bump me and they didn't even TRY not to.
- They need to pay for that.
- I hit them.
- I hit them again.
- I keep hitting them until they're bloody and broken and until they understand how badly they made me feel and how terrible it was that they bumped me.
I hate horror movies. And my aggression is the reason. I don't want to watch movies that I already experience in my dreams. I have dreams that make Eli Roth's carnage look tame. I have dreams where I am massacring my partner and my Ima - my immediate family. I have dreams where I am cutting down my workmates one by one in the most abhorrent violence. I have dreams where I am going Bundy on the neighbourhood. Children included.
Most depressives have ups and downs. I have those too but they are mild. As always, it's the physical fatigue and the mental 'scatterbrain' that are my usual companions. And I feel that those are the wingmen of the aggression I have inside me.
So the only things I can do are....
I take my meds. I limit my alcohol. I get up in the morning and go to work each day. I do my job well (Extremely well actually). I come home and take care of Bubb (whose depression makes mine look like a walk in the park by the way). I ask Ima about her day. I eat dinner. Then go to sleep and repeat. But I do this all in fear.
I have been with Bubb for 12 1/2 years. He is my best friend, lover, partner and future husband. But, my fear has more impact on me than he does. It's not a good thing. It just is.
So ... again... what I am trying to do here by sharing this. In the end I am just sharing it. It will not change anything about my illness nor mitigate the aggression. It will not change my response when there is a 'bump'. It doesn't change the uncertainty I live with each day.
I guess it's just about letting you see a little bit more about me.
After all, that's a big part of the reason I started this blog.
May HaShem bless all of you.