Friday, 12 August 2011

.......2 Reveal...............I Am Sad Tonight............

.................and I only have myself to blame.

You see..............3 years ago I invested in a gym membership and a trainer and lost 15kgs, approx 40 pounds..... I felt good and looked better...........

Over the last month I have put it all back on and then some............

I don't know why............except to say I feel a sadness that is all encompassing...........

I do not know why I am feelings this way.............. is it my depression? and is this an episode?,,,,


Is it something else that I am unable to identify? I just do not know..............

I wake up each morning with a fatigue that is worse than it has ever been and I do not know why I am feeling this way........

I am on my meds.... I am taking a multivatamin......... I am taking fish oil............. I only have alcohol one night a week............. I am lost............

Actually - I think that is it............................ I feel lost............. but I dont know what from or how?

At times like this I wish for something......... I have no clue or idea what........... but I wish / yearn for SOME thing............ I just wish I knew what............

This probably makes no sense to you - and the haters of my blog will tell me I am being a drama queen but I feel like I am adrift in something beyond me.......... and it makes me feel frustrated and sad and angry all at the same time...........

I wish I could just scream out "Help me !!!" and someone / something would swoop down and assist - but I know that only happens in comic books and movies......

Maybe I have finally given up...........

Maybe I have finally accepted that a fat old cub is what I am.........

I don't know.............

I realise many of you will not care even slightly about this.............. but my blog has always been about showing you my life - raw and uncensored......... and this time......... it makes me uncomfortable and ashamed.....

Again - I do not know why................

Perhaps - I am just the hoot owl I have always been afraid to acknowledge........... maybe by admitting the crazy I may deal with it better................

I dont know...............

I really dont............

Shabbat Shalom

Damien
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10 comments:

Christopher in Aotearoa NZ said...

Whatever you decide - whether you are a 'fat old cub' or a bat-crazy guy, just remember to be a *fabulous fat old cub* or a *fabulous bat-crazy guy*.

Everything else is relative.

Adam said...

aaawww sweetie *big little baby bear hugs* wish i could do anything to make u feel better :)

queer heaven said...

I do not know how anyone could hate your blog.
You have always been open and upfront about you life and it's problems. ....That takes balls, and you've got them.

BosGuy said...

Well I can certainly relate to the feelings of being overwhelmed and adrift. I also am prone to bouts of self-loathing and personal frustration. What works for me may not work for you so I won't try any cereal-box psychology, but I think its a good first step to recognize and admit this. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it'll help motivate you to make some changes.

Prince Toddy English said...

*HUGS*

Stan said...

I feel you. I lost 20 lbs over the past few months and I know I have gained some back. I can feel it. I'm avoiding the scale because I don't want to know. It's denial. I'm so frustated I don't know what to do. I'm too ashamed to join a gym and have other people laugh at me. I hope you feel better soon and all this passes.
Hugs & Shalom,
Stan

Kevin said...

hang in there, Damien. and breathe.

thegayte-keeper said...

I know how you feel, I've been toying with the idea of getting lipo.

Damien Oz said...

I appreciate all the love and feedback.

You guys rock and this is why I blog.

Much blessings for you all

Victor said...

I wish I had the magic words to make you feel better but I don't. The best I can do is that I love you the way you are. That's all.