Monday, 12 March 2012

..........A Letter From My 21 Year Old Self..........

Hi Damien/Me,

If my time machine is working properly this letter will get to you a couple of days before your 40th birthday - on the 15th of March, 2012.

Well today I turned 21 and I had a big party with my ballet mates and my family and some people I went to school with. It was a great time.

Now.....thanks to my time machine I have been able to see what the next 19 years hold and how it's going to affect you and where you end up.....and I wanted to tell you this....... it's all okay.... really.

You got fat - well, that's gonna hurt especially as I sit here writing this letter just after ballet class with a 28 inch waist and sitting in the splits.... again, it's okay. I know it isn't great, but it's okay. There are worse things than being a Bear.

You didn't end up in a job that you thought you were going to have. Again, that's okay. You are in a solid job with prospects and security. Your company is expanding and growing and your position is a vital part of their finance team. Yes I know. You wanted to be a composer of music who writes novels on the side. Guess what Mr 140-IQ, you can still do it. Just don't be lazy - or, more accurately, don't let FEAR make you lazy.

That dream relationship I/You want, will come along, and it will end - but it will continue in a companionship that is very hard even for ME to describe to you with this time machine / crystal ball type thing I have here. The important thing is that it will work for you and this person you come to call Bubb. And all I can hope for is that Bubb is truly a cute nick-name and he isn't into adult diapers in ANY way...... (Editors note - yes it's a nickname)... Now there is going to be some serious pain in the relationship, and sadly most of it will NOT be yours or his fault. Life is going to come along with so much stuff that you might even wonder if it is all worth it. Trust me.... it is. You and Bubb may not end up how you thought.... but then again you might. Even my time machine has limits. But from what I can see, when you turn 40 he will still be your best friend, best companion and most importantly - the person who has your back.

Bubb is the answer to the prayer you will make after you find that Jewish thing. OH! one thing - follow THAT thing with all your heart. It is where you belong and you will find parts of yourself that you didn't think was possible. G-d will still confuse the crap out of you at times - but it's where you should be. Trust me on this one.

Your Depression is going to manifest when you hit around 28. And it's going to hit bad. No - you didn't do anything wrong. It's organic. Your brain is just wired differently and you have to accept that. Get help. See the Doctor regularly. Take your meds. And don't be afraid to let those who care know how you feel - even if it means feeling really vulnerable and afraid. Again, it's okay.

Now, you're probably reading this thinking "Um... this has all happened so thanks for taking me back down the Happy Trail of Drama Nostalgia" but the thing is .... YOU. ARE. STILL. READING. IT.

You got fat - but you're alive. Remember, there are people you loved and cared about that are no longer with you.

You have Chronic Clinical Depression. But you're functional and dealing with it. There are those who are unable to leave their house.

Yes the relationship stopped. But Bubb is still there for you each and every day in a special way.

And........ yes......... you are going to turn 40 - accept that. You're only half way through your life. So look at where you are. Look at what you want to do. And do it.

And finish that damn screenplay - it's a GREAT idea and HBO is going to LOVE it. Doesn't mean they will take it up - but you're GOING to impress them. AND, you'll get that professional knock-back that you always wanted to frame and put on the wall.

Well ...... my nuts are starting to hurt - sitting in the splits is easy, I just don't know why G-d made balls - they really get in the way when you're having a good ballet stretch....

Congrats on making it to 40. A lot of other people haven't. And don't forget to love yourself. NO YOU PERV!! not THAT way......... as in believe in yourself and accept who you are - faults and all. Important people in your life will tell you how worthy they are - believe them.

PS There is this thing called Blogging that apparently is gonna get big - personally I think it'll go the way of Atari - This Bubb person will encourage you to keep at it when you decide to give it a go. So listen to him and try it, coz it will put you in touch with some ppl with funny names like Bill In Exile, Wonder Man, Aussielicious-Brenton, Large Tony, Mistress MJ, Toddy English, Mikey, and a few others..... these are some of the good people I was telling you that you'll meet. Distance may separate a lot of them from you - but this whole internet thing will let you converse with them and share ideas. AND it will be a great creative outlet for you and your thoughts.

OK - now my balls are really hurting - so I'll say goodbye - or SHALOM as you will get used to saying.

Happy Birthday & Mazel Tov..... you did okay.

Damien - 15th March, 1993.


Queer Heaven said...

Wonderful post! That 21 year old kid sure was a smart one. I't seems like you are taking his advise and getting on with the good things in your life.

Princess said...

Very Clever darling... Listen to that kid, He's got some smarts! Happy Birthday for the 15th! Turning 40 is easier than you think Honey. Put it this way... It seems like a big milestone... But hey! You have almost lived through your 40th year already... That is what you are celebrating!!! Believe me I'm 10 years ahead of you! Love and big hugs to you... Say hi to your mum from me. Mwuah x40....P

MJ said...

We all know your REAL name is Anastasia Beaverhausen and that's pretty funny too.

EMikeGarcia said...

Such a great post... When I think of what my 21 year old self would tell me, it's usually just full of, "Get out there and get laid while you're still kind of pretty!" Yeah, he wasn't very deep.

Wonder Man said...

I should do this too. Great post Damien