As all of you know - I am fascinated by the barebacking phenomenon. The psychology of it. The social penetration. The cultural impact. The views of barebacking by different generations in the gay community.
Recently on Twitter I was chatting with someone who revealed to me he is a BB top who is neg and has BB'd for years. I asked him if he was up to a profile and he said yes. What follows is an interesting look into the mind of a 30 something gay man who has chosen to bareback exclusively as a top.
Now - please remember - I neither approve nor disapprove of barebacking. I support personal choice and informed decision making - even if that decision may or may not run contrary to my own views. I ask that any and all comments be respectful of both the content and "T" who has agreed to do this.
(2CW) Shalom T and thanks for doing this.
(T) No worries man.
(2CW) How long have you barebacked?
(T) I have barebacked exclusively for about 7 years. Sporadically before that for a about two. From the age of 15 to 26 I only ever had safe sex.
(2CW) Do you remember your first bareback experience?
(T) Yes - it was with a guy I was dating. We had come back from the bar and we were both pretty drunk. We started to have sex and he was blowing me. He was always a bit of a drooler and my cock was really slick. He just came up and started kissing me and we were humping. My cock was banging against his hole. Like it'd done before. But this time we both let it go in. Then we fucked for ages and I think I dumped two loads up his hole before we went to sleep.
(2CW) Was this an experience that was a "realisation" to you?
(T) No. I was too drunk to get the whole sensation. And to tell the truth neither of us were really "thinking the big thoughts" at the time. We had feelings for each other. We were on an adrenaline high from a great night out. We were drunk. So we fucked. Except this time, we didn't use condoms.
(2CW) Did you both discuss it the next morning?
(T) Nope. We had a morning session - we used a rubber that time - but we just took it in stride. At the time we were exclusively dating so for us it was just a drunken once off.
(2CW) When was the next time?
(T) The next time was with a FWB I saw on a regular basis before, and after, I stopped dating the guy I mentioned before. And no - I didn't see my FWB during our dating. I am a one man dude.
We had known each other for years through the community in WEHO. We'd both done some volunteer work and he had go-go'd at one of the clubs. We hit it off physically but there was no connection. We were just really good sex. Best I've ever had. After we re-connected, we fucked a few times around the time they introduced the 20min fast track HIV test. So we talked about it, went and got tested, then went back to my place and he got on all fours and we went at it. Raw.
(2CW) How was this time different to the other?
(T) I was sober lol. But this time, I also got the full sensation. OH man. To eat out a butt and get it all slicked up, then put the head of my cock at the hole and just let the bottom push back. That feeling of skin moving on skin. I was hooked. I blew my load in about 3 mins. We kept fucking. I've always been able to stay hard after the first cum so we just kept going. I couldn't believe the sensations.
(2CW) What were you thinking during this? If anything?
(T) My only real thought was "man this arse feel's so damn good". The skin on skin was just crazy, almost sensory overload. The other thing was how connected I felt to him. We were good friends and still are. But to fuck him like that made us feel closer. It amplified the passion of the moment tenfold.
(2CW) You were knowledgeable about HIV at the time yes?
(T) Yeah - that's why my bud and I went and got tested.
(2CW) After that?
(T) After that I kept fucking my FWB raw. Then I was out one night at a go-go club and there was this HOT latino kid - probably 20 - dancing and he got my cock hard. When I got to feel his arse I knew I wanted to fuck him. He was into me too so after his set, he took me out the back of the club and we kissed and sucked each others dick. He told me to breed him. I didn't even think. I just spat on my cock and fucked him.
(2CW) How did you feel afterwards?
(T) That's the thing. I freaked out. This kid was a stranger and someone who used the sorts of term barebackers do. I didn't have sex for three months and got every single damn test I could. I really started to live in fear of HIV.
(2CW) Many HIV educators say that fostering a fear of HIV is a very good way to protect oneself.
(T) I don't agree. I've volunteered with Poz people and a lot of them regret getting infected but a lot of them think that shaming someone who barebacks or guilting them is a sure way to backfire. These people live in the initial part of the epidemic and they say that we are approaching it all wrong.
(2CW) So what do you think?
(T) I practice my own ideology. Does HIV scare me? Yeah. Am I going to let it stop me from having the sex I want? No.
(2CW) When did you begin barebacking after that?
(T) I spent a lot of time thinking while I waited for results and spent a lot of time being honest about myself and how I actually liked it. Eventually I got to a spot where I decided to bareback, to always tell my partners upfront and to be honest about my status. The rest is up to them.
(2CW) Now you're aware of the consequences of infection yes? The drug regimens? Complications? Resistance? Opportunistic illness etc?
(T) I am. I know that if infected today, I'll go onto meds for the rest of my life. Which would be 20-30 years depending on any genetic factors I have or if they continue to further advance treatments.
(2CW) So you know the consequences of what could (or many would say WILL ) happen to you?
(T) Yeah. I know the risks. But this is my choice. I choose to bareback. I will never bottom. I choose to top. The risks are much less and besides, I've never been a big fan of getting fucked. I'm just too tight.
(2CW) You understand that HIV is not the only risk?
(T) Yes. I get tested monthly for everything. I know I could potentially get something. But this is how I choose to live my sexual life.
(2CW) Many would say you are being reckless and that you are not acting sensibly, and that if you truly DID know all the risks you wouldn't go raw?
(T) That's a load of shit. I tell all my partners beforehand that I only fuck raw. I am also willing to NOT fuck at all and just do everything else - which can still be totally hot fun. But if we fuck, I go skin on skin. Now that sorts out my partners. Those who don't want to - don't. Those that do. Do.
(2CW) What about poz partners?
(T) I've fucked a few poz guys. All with low or non-detectable levels of the bug. I'm still neg. They were hot guys and it was a great experience.
(2CW) You knew they were poz before or after?
(2CW) And you still fucked them raw?
(T) Yes. I'm cut. The risks as a top are very low. They're still there. But this is what I choose to do.
(2CW) Would you encourage others to do the same?
(T) No. Everyone has to make their own decision.
(2CW) There are those that say you are perpetuating the pandemic. Whilst you are negative now, you will (statistically speaking) most likely end up poz. What then?
(T) Well - it isn't written in stone that I will go poz. It isn't written in stone that I won't get hit by a bus tomorrow. It's my choice.
(2CW) Are you seeing anyone?
(T) No. I'm single and enjoying myself. Yes if I met someone I would tell them. Test. Do all the things we need to to safeguard them.
(2CW) Well T this has been an enlightening chat. I wish you well and hope your health continues to stay as it is.
(T) Thanks man. And you readers remember, just coz I do something doesn't mean you should. Make your own decision and own it. If that means you practice safe sex only. Good for you and you own that. If you decide to go raw. Know the facts and be willing to accept the risks.
I have to say this was a very different discussion on barebacking than I have had before. Certainly not quite what I was expecting.
Your 2 Cents???