Sunday, 9 December 2012

I Am Lonely...

Let me first start by saying this is not a "give me your pity" post.... This is just a statement of how I feel - or - how my Depression makes me feel.

I am lonely.

I am lonely within my own head/self.

I genuinely believe that no one gets me.  And that is due to the "Monster" that I share my life with... Clinical Depression.

I have been described in the following ways - after each term is how I genuinely feel / try to project.
  • Sycophantic / Interested in someone else with a desire to recognise their own uniqueness...
  • Try-Hard / Simple desire to engage...
  • Perv / Hardly - I am a sexual being but I do have self respect and limits...
  • Desperate / Actually - I am trying to make friends - which apparently is very difficult these days...
  • Victim / No.... I am someone who lives with a disease and I try to do the best I can to educate others on it...
  • Silly / You misread the fact that I do not take myself, life, or others TOO seriously = whilst allowing genuine appreciation for all three...
  • Crazy / No... yes there is an element of emotional instability to my illness - but I am not crazy.  Actually, I have quite a high IQ and EQ... and am very creative.

So why do I feel lonely?

Because I feel  no one wishes to get to know me beyond a sentence or two on Twitter / Growlr / Grindr / Scruff.......... plus I have been told that fit people find fatties uncomfortable to be around ( I have no idea how to contextualise that one )... This does not violate my NO FAT TALK rule as someone else brought it up and I am attempting to understand it.

I have been told by one friend - a blogger - that I am exactly what he expected when we met.... all positive.   It was a surprise to me due to how many people through apps and the net told me that I put them off due to my "bizarre / quirky / weird" nature.

These people didn't know about the Monster I shared my life with.  But should they have to?

Can they not try to see beyond the facile and the obvious?  Why is understanding and curiosity so beyond most of the gays I talk / chat / message to?

It eludes me.

May it not elude you.

I am going to bed now.

Shalom n blessings for you all.

I will not apologise if this post confuses you.  If it does - reread it until you comprehend the meaning.

Damien
xox


9 comments:

cb said...

I think you have just described how most single gay men feel on any given day.

iamagaytekeeper said...

I feel like this @ least once a month

Linx said...

I agree with the above two.Also, single or partnered,many gat men feel like that every so often. I know I do... I get it!

Ken and Marvin said...

We hope that the lights of the Chanuka Candles over the next eight days make your depression feeling disappear and bring you nothing by joy and happiness Ken and Marvin

Jason said...

Just like the first comment here, I heartily agree, you've hot the head on the nail, or something like that, about what most of us gay folk feel at some point during the week. Especially those over say something like thirty, with a few extra pounds.

I'm often lonely, sometimes painfully so, yet you know, I'm not at all bothered or worried by it, in fact, I am, at this moment in time, rather happy that I am lonely at times.

I think everyone is a little quirky in reality and those that aren't are mostly not worth knowing!

Have a great week.
Sending regards from Brighton.

BearTalks said...

When I started my blog one week ago, I felt mostly the same. Now one week later everything looks different and better! You never know what surprise the life can bring you! :)

Anonymous said...

Well, I am glad to hear I am not all that out of it ..keep putting one foot in front of the other buddy...I hope you have animals in your life; if you do not ..gets some...Big Hugs and rubbing your shoulders...thanks for sharing with us...and you are NOT alone ! Bobble

Joey said...

To be lonely, as if there is no one in the whole wide world who understands you, is quite normal. The human condition is such, you're not alone. I spend my day with great people whom I like and love, but on many days I feel empty and very lonely at the end of the day. When I come home I'm greeted by unconditional love in the form of two dogs and those feelings vanish, almost the only time this is so. I'm a chubby 39 year old; life isn't perfect, don't think it would be if much fun it was. Without feeling lonely we wouldn't be able to appreciate the times when we are not.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being honest. My partner is bi-polar and is an alcholic. ( non drinking for the last 8 weeks) I totally understand where you are coming from and I hope you find someone that can love you for who and what you are. Best wishes.