I am lonely.
I am lonely within my own head/self.
I genuinely believe that no one gets me. And that is due to the "Monster" that I share my life with... Clinical Depression.
I have been described in the following ways - after each term is how I genuinely feel / try to project.
- Sycophantic / Interested in someone else with a desire to recognise their own uniqueness...
- Try-Hard / Simple desire to engage...
- Perv / Hardly - I am a sexual being but I do have self respect and limits...
- Desperate / Actually - I am trying to make friends - which apparently is very difficult these days...
- Victim / No.... I am someone who lives with a disease and I try to do the best I can to educate others on it...
- Silly / You misread the fact that I do not take myself, life, or others TOO seriously = whilst allowing genuine appreciation for all three...
- Crazy / No... yes there is an element of emotional instability to my illness - but I am not crazy. Actually, I have quite a high IQ and EQ... and am very creative.
So why do I feel lonely?
Because I feel no one wishes to get to know me beyond a sentence or two on Twitter / Growlr / Grindr / Scruff.......... plus I have been told that fit people find fatties uncomfortable to be around ( I have no idea how to contextualise that one )... This does not violate my NO FAT TALK rule as someone else brought it up and I am attempting to understand it.
I have been told by one friend - a blogger - that I am exactly what he expected when we met.... all positive. It was a surprise to me due to how many people through apps and the net told me that I put them off due to my "bizarre / quirky / weird" nature.
These people didn't know about the Monster I shared my life with. But should they have to?
Can they not try to see beyond the facile and the obvious? Why is understanding and curiosity so beyond most of the gays I talk / chat / message to?
It eludes me.
May it not elude you.
I am going to bed now.
Shalom n blessings for you all.
I will not apologise if this post confuses you. If it does - reread it until you comprehend the meaning.