There is an obscure pain to the sins and crimes of the past that stay with me and never leave.
I walk with the burden of my past missteps daily. And I continue to stumble. My stride is unsteady and the ground betrays me.
I look into your face and I see the hurt I have caused. The fissure that is in my heart grows a little more every time I see this.
You are disappointed. And I know. There is no apology or entreating of you that will cause a lessening of this.
I am imperfect and have stumbled many times. And yet, it was your arms that reached towards me and lifted me up.
Into the sun I looked and saw your face. Your beautiful face. It was suffused with both love and care.
And yet, there was hurt too.
I am imperfect. And I have stumbled.
Your arms are weaker now. And I must stand on my own with less of your strength.
I am scared.
My fear is from my heart. A heart broken by the pain I have caused you.
I would trap the sun and put it into your chest if it was attainable to me.
I fear the chill of ice that is disappointment, and that it may overwhelm you.
It makes me weep.
I weep for what is lost. I weep for the future now uncertain. I weep for you. And I weep for the pain.
Your pain does not exist in isolation. I am there beside you. In pain. Uncertain. Afraid.
And yet, I look to the sun. Every dawn. But the warmth of the dawn escapes us.
I can only wish its return.
My heart still beats for you and you alone. Please hear it.
Only you can hear it. My heart was only made whole by your arrival. My hearts breath is for your ears and yours alone.
Its pulse is love.
A love for you.
Always and ever only for you.
Ani L'Dodi V'Dodi Li
I am My Beloved’s, and My Beloved is Mine