Tuesday, 22 September 2015

Top And Bottom - My First Bareback

One of the topics most discussed here is barebacking.  I thought it was high time I shared my first experiences of that myself - as a top and as a bottom.

My first experience with barebacking was as a bottom.  I was 19 and knew this guy who was a regular at the bathhouse/sauna where I was.  He was also active in the gay community as was I.  We had played around a few times but never done any anal because he was a top only, and at the time so was I.

One night at the sauna we saw each other and even though we both played with others that evening (it was buddies night - LOTS of people) we kept flirting with each other HARD.  This wasn't how we usually did things.  He would either walk up to me and say "wanna eat?" - he liked to be rimmed and had a magnificent arse, perfect bubble - or I would say "blow me" - he loved to suck dick and could teach a master class.

Anyway, it was later in the night.  I had been with someone and so had he.  We were talking and he just started lightly rubbing my bum (I had a towel on - his hand was outside the towel).  It felt quite nice.  Quite gentle and friendly.  I myself don't mind rubbing my friends bums or having them rub mine.  He took my hand after a while and took me into a room.  We started doing the usual stuff and he turned me over and began rimming my ass.  This wasn't something I had known he was into.  In fact, he had said he was not one to rim at all.  He wasn't really good at it I remember.  But after a while he started rubbing his dick up and down the crack of my arse.  I told him I didn't get fucked and he mentioned it was a shame coz he loved my ballet arse.  He kept doing that for a while and then replaced his dick in my crack with a finger in my arse.  It slipped in with NO problem.  A first for me.  And it felt G-O-O-D.  I even asked for another.  Then another.  He was finger banging me with three fingers.  I remember his exact words.  "Three fingers equals getting fucked Princess."  He got a condom, lubed it, and entered.

OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the fuck was happening?  I went from heaven to hell in like three seconds.  He had even taken his time.  Why was I feeling pain??? He withdrew.  Added more lube, and tried again.  Same result.  I said "Take off the condom" without missing a beat.  Now I knew this guy in an *okay* way.  We were socially active together and volunteered together, but I wasn't a close friend.  But *I* asked him to fuck me raw.  And he did.  And it was B-L-I-S-S.  As soon as the head started to go in it just felt right.  And he began fucking me.  And fucking me.  And fucking me.  Every position for probably over an hour.  I had heard of his prowess.  It was justified.  On my back.  Legs around his waist.  He began pounding my prostate and I came everywhere.  Without assistance.  He then pulled out and shot a HUGE load all over me.  We snowballed our mixed cum and took our time in afterglow.  It was fantastic.

My first time as a top about a year later.  I had met a guy through friends helping them move house.  This guy was moving into them in the new and larger house.  It had been a long, exhausting day and randomly commented that "I don't think I have the energy to catch the bus home."    He looked at me and said "Don't".  Long story short.  Pizza.  Showers.  Then we were in bed.  I had been rimming him and began humping his crack getting ready to fuck him.  We had a condom and lube ready by the bed.  But I just slipped in. We both stopped.  And he just nodded.  So I kept going.  Started up a rhythm and went to town.  I had never felt anything like it.  Now ordinarily, my cock would go a *tad* less hard.  Not soft.  But about 3/4's hard when wearing a condom.  Fucking him raw my cock was rock hard.  And we were both loving it.  BUT - I couldn't last long.  It was a total sensation overload.  So I came inside of him.  After I did, he pushed me off and began to clean my cock off with his mouth.  I had NEVER seen or heard of THAT before.  And he got off jacking his dick whilst he blew me.

And that was the opening of Pandora's Box. 

After both of these times, I spent MONTHS fretting about HIV.  Multiple tests.  Lots of long nights.  And yet, even after the first time, I still did it.  And why?  Coz it felt GOOD.

In the 1990's this was the worst thing HIV educators feared.  We all knew it - yes I was an HIV educator for a period of the 90's - but we didn't talk about it.  It wasn't until a conference in 1995 when I was 23 that I heard the first HIV educator say "We have to accept that barebacking will continue in spite of the Pandemic for two reasons.  One - the breeders do it.  And Two - it feels good.  No one likes having to give up something that feels good".

I can look back on the years when I was single and see periods of me being a VERY good gay man - as in years of condom only sex.  But then there were the brief periods of raw sex that made me feel like a porn star.  It was a dichotomy that both excited and disgusted me.  I remember telling one of my educator friends about it.  He took me aside and desperately made me promise I wouldn't tell anyone.  He began to explain that I would get into "trouble" and I would be blacklisted from volunteering for any LGBT group in our community.  And yet - I *knew* others were doing it. 

This was my earliest experience of slut-shaming.

And it still hasn't gone away.  20 odd years later and even with the many discussions we have about the ethics of sex, we still slut shame and bareback shame.  Then we Truvada shame.  Etc etc.  The shame is still there.

Which is why we still have to continue to discuss barebacking.  Even in a time where it is almost common place.

The shame is still here.

What a sad state of affairs for us still.  And we do it to ourselves. 

Something to think about.

D
xox

8 comments:

mark knight said...

Damien you should pen a gay romantic novel :)

Damien said...

LOL - probably not so much ROMANTIC as simply EXPLICIT LOL

mark knight said...

:O

mark knight said...

Perphaps having the potential to be a director/producer/writer for a porn film :D

Damien said...

LOL - I wish Mark

JR said...

Damn! I was trying to focus on the lesson of the entry but I kept reading the graphic sex details! LOL. I was like reading gay erotica!

Damien said...

Thanks JR.

Blogger said...

DEEPTHROATING TUBE