Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Unpredictability Of The Monster.....

Often when I go back and read my own blog, I see a disparity of tone.  I have had feedback by people that sometimes my "delivery" could be more polished.  It's very true.  Reading past posts, I can see that I am writing in one of three tones from what I see.... Angry ..... Bitter ..... Playful.....

When looked at objectively, these are the three primary moods of The Monster.

Once, I wouldn't write when I was either or both of the first two.  I would post a pic of a hottie - make sure it was a big size - (the pic, not necessarily the hottie) - and be content that I was giving the readers what they wanted.  But it was also a reflection of how I often conducted my real life.   Put the smile on - sound neutral at worst, peppy at best - and let it hang out when I got home and I could sink into a couch.  Day over.  No drama.

But at the same time, it wasn't right and it wasn't me.  So I started writing even on my bad days.  On my 'bad day posts' the comments are absent and the clicks on the comments section are less.

But why?

Most of the people who come to my blog know about my mental illness.  They know that it means a certain level of "colour".    My mental illness means I do not always have a filter or a pause button.  It means that I will often write without polish and just say what I am thinking.  See the "Tired of Conversations About Race".  That was written on a day where I had been reading about issues of race and was completely frustrated about the lack of honest dialogue without finger pointing or reaching into history, but just talking about race today.  After all, if you look at the gay apps like Scruff, Grindr, Jack'd etc... the Gay community is some of the most racist people out there.

Not right.

It is also not right if I only write under a happy face. 

If you don't like what I write on a 'bad' day, then read it and walk away from it.  That's ok.  If you can constructively challenge me on it, then go ahead.  I won't take it personally.  If The Monster is in the driving seat that day, it means my hands are free to get into with you :) - in a constructive way of course.  If I go too far with you, then slap me down.  Certainly, from what I know of many of you - that isn't a hard ask :) - Who knows, we could even get to a better understanding of each other.

Today is not a good day.  I am coming out of a four day episode, and my partner is in the middle of a protracted episode.   I am physically tired and emotionally exhausted.  I don't seek pity when I write this by the way.  I am just writing down how it is.  This I assume you want to know.  This is also what *I* want you to know.  This is probably the motivation for this post.  I am feeling a little emotional so want to share....something.

Funny thing is.......... I am told my "off blog" persona is a little more relaxed and more engaging.  (Damn - I hope I am not THAT boring on here at times). 

Again - a post with rambling but I don't know if it has a lot of point to it.

All of you be good.  You never know when you may need someone to be good to you or for you.




Queer Heaven said...

Damien, I've been a reader of your blog for a long time and one thing for sure your posts are NEVER boring!
Keep posting the way you post.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're feeling better today.

I've read you for years and know and relate to the monster (not as bad but bad enough) but I never associated it with your writing tone. It explains a lot and I think you should write whatever and whenever you want - it's your blog. A one word "How I'm Felling Today" at the start of the post could help us readers a lot.

You called this a bad day but before I read that line I thought that this must be a good one bc of the clarity and tone.

When you explain about the day you wrote the Tired of race post - in your explanation is what has been missing from getting the conversation started - the why you want the conversation - that you were frustrated about what you read.

Oh, I agree your posts are never boring and I share most of your taste in men. Men posts are always appreciated.

Anonymous said...

My 2 Cents on racism (or at least your last line of this post) is that I don't think it's as bad as it appears. I think that as victims of discrimination we set higher standards for the LGBT community so we expect more but what we really get is just another example of how our sexuality doesn't make us so different from heteros.

I don't think hook-up apps provide a solid basis for a discussion on racism. I see hook-up apps as shopping lists - you have something specific in mind and you go for it both in what you look at and in how you write your ad. I find that the guys who say NO this or NO that spend the most time on these sites and think they are being efficient. It's thoughtless and rude to say NO this, NO that ... but it's sexual attraction which is very different than how you actually treat people. Should I not say NO PNP? What about hairy chested only? Is it ageist to say no one under 40? Am I sexist if I say NO WOMEN? What about white men who only WANT men of specific races that are not white? And visa versa?

Who I want to spend an hour or more with having sex is very different from who I want to have in my life as a partner, friend or neighbor.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I don't thing you rambled. At all.

Damien said...

QH - thank you.

Sean - your feedback is ALWAYS welcome and never dull :)

Soul Yaoi said...

Its not suppose to be perfect. I think the variety of personalities makes it more personable and interesting.

Damien said...

Thanks Soul