I Don't Fit In

And if I am honest I don't think that I ever have.

I have never been part of a circle where I can say "that there is the place where I can stand and just belong".  How lucky for those who can find that.

I have never been what one would call hot.  Even as a dancer with pecs, abs, legs all the way down to the ground, blonde hair, blue eyes blah blah blah, I was never told I was hot or good looking.  I was always told I had "something", but that it wasn't physical.  I was called "alluring" once.  LOL.  Betty Grable was alluring.  Jesus H, I wanted to be HOT and GORGEOUS. 

I can write music.  I have written two novels (Unpublished - but working on it).  I know I am intelligent.  I can succeed and have succeeded at everything I have put my attention to.  I would like to think I am articulate.  I can hold my own in a social setting but I don't ever feel like people "get" me.  Is there a skill I missed?

I know a wonderful man who is both a friend and blogger.  I am often awkward with him.  Like I try too hard or I say inappropriate things, or try to say something but it comes out the wrong way.  I have a feeling he gets "it" but I can honestly say I don't think that he actually gets me.  We are friends.  Good friends I think.  But I don't think I could be a part of his social world.  I look at from the outside in and, again, there is a circle that eludes me.  I think we would hang out and roar with laughter and be entertaining and have fantastically shallow, and deep, conversations.  But only him and I.  And yet, I do not think I would ever be a part of his social world.  It's beyond me.  I don't think I have the outlook or the looks to be in it to be honest.  Now don't get me wrong, he isn't shallow.  Far from it.  He feels and thinks with great nuance and depth.  And I am pretty sure his friends are mostly a decent lot.  But I think I could be too much or too "different" for them.

It's an odd sensation when you look at these sorts of truths - sober I might add - and you understand that the school ground never really left, it just got bigger.  The World.  Adulthood.  But its still the school ground with circles.

And I appear to be the ever present square peg.  Something interesting and quirky but not really fitting in.  Awkward.  Not negatively so.  But definitely awkward. 

Now I am aware that part of that is the fact that I live with mental illness on a couple of fronts.  But I think also it's that I was never taught how to socialise, or was led by someone who knew what they were doing.  I just .... stepped in and tried, yet never really succeeded.

I like self realisations.  If you take the ego out and actually look at them square in the face, it doesn't hurt nor is it a "depressing" thing.  It just is. 

I guess this is why I get so few supper invites.  And never a second one after the first. 

I am not one for self pity.  Seriously - I'm not.  And yet it feels odd to be writing about this with not a hint.  I feel like I should and yet I'm not.  It just - is.

I don't fit in.  And don't mind it.  Truly.  But I think it would be nice to have the option of being an oblong or a oval.  Maybe more of me would fit in the round hole (and we are on the innuendo train - I get on it frequently). 

People don't get me.  But in writing this I also wonder if I truly get myself.  I think I am embarking on a little journey.  Which is fine. I like to travel.

Shalom all

D
xox