............. How Bad Could It Be ????? ........................

Depression is a funny thing ......................................................... NOT !

Actually - I was talking to a work colleague about my depression and he said "Depression ........ it's a funny thing."

Now in retrospect I know he meant "It's weird........unfathomable".

I did the thing that I can only do when I hear someone say something about depression like that - my brow dropped - my eyes narrowed - and my breathing became consciously deep. Needless to say - he asked me how bad it had been for me at worst.

My worst was the new year's eve of 2000 / 2001.

I was at a dance party with a "friend" of mine - that story will come later - when I had to leave. It wasn't a choice - I *had* to leave.

So I left - and walked three kilometers to a park on the way to my apartment - I dropped onto a park bench and began crying - uncontrollably - convulsively - and loudly with no thought or consideration if anyone could hear me.

For several hours - I have no idea how long - I sat there crying. Eventually - on auto pilot - I went home - where I stripped - showered and sat on my couch and cried some more.

At around 7:30am my "friend" called to see how I was - as I was talking to him on the phone trying to explain my situation - he couldnt've cared less at the time I think - I kept looking longingly at the bottle of sleeping pills next to my bed.

After he hung up on me. I hadn't actually finished my conversation but he clearly did. I sat for a while - who knows how long - seriously considering how peaceful it would be to take a handful of the orange pills next to me.

I desperately sought peace and quiet at the time. Peace from my maniacal mood swings. Quiet - from the continuous "OH my god I cant get you these days" from my "friend"- who, btw, I was desperately in love with at the time. Can we say CUNT !!!

Ok - where was I - OH yes. The bottle with the lovely little orange pills. By now I was up to four of these a night to sleep. If I took less than that my manic thought processes would keep me awake. It took four of these pills to get 6 hours sleep a night.

I have NO idea how I held down a job at this point but I was.

Needless to say - I actively - regularly - sincerely - and longingly considered dumping the whole bottle down my throat.

There were two things that stopped me. My faith - Jews ............ even New Jews.......... do not commit suicide. If you did - in the World to Come you would be so far away from G-d that you would never know his love.

The other - was my Mother - My Ima.

That woman had been to hell and back during her life and I was NOT going to add to it.

So............. I dumped the bottle into the toilet - literally. And started to try and find some help.

Needless to say - I am glad I didn't go through with it.

Otherwise - I would never have met my husband.

Choices can be hard - but the outcomes of those choices can be glorious and wonderful.

L'Chaim and Shalom to you all.

Damien.
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