Thursday, 3 March 2011

........A Meltdown........ A Comment........ A Big Arse......

...........Alright - here is a recap of the last week.

.........A Meltdown..........

So I had a pretty impressive meltdown a few days ago. It was the sort of meltdown that wanted me to go outside and pick a fight with a total stranger. It was the culmination of a few months of stress, loss, fear and a whole lot of asking myself "what the fuck just happened?" And I didn't lose one day of work. In fact - I don't even think Bubb picked up on it. I've gotten real good at the happy face. But I've been miserable and really angry all the same. Which is why the happy face dropped in such a spectacularly bad manner.

My desire to pick a fight with a stranger manifested in a blog post about American Bloggers. I won't say I regret it - but I do wish I had have written it in a clearer more intelligent manner. It makes me come across as a prick - and I'm really not a prick. But I was in that post.

My meltdown also had me get just a little aggressive with Bubb. That wasn't good either. To be honest, fighting with the one person you know you can always count on leaves you feeling pretty shitty.

...... A Comment .......

So a blogger I have had a bit of a crush on (stupid I know) basically had his own "meltdown moment" and not just called me out on my moment but also basically shat on me as well. I don't know what was behind his outburst but I am kind of wondering if there is more going on in his life than he wants to admit.

Any way - the reaction hurt big time - which also begged they question "Why do I care how and why this person who I never met hurt me?" - truth was - it did because I actually like how this guy puts himself out there. He does it very honestly and without any trappings. And I respect that - and I respected him.

Ah well......................

.......... A Big Arse ............

So - I have a big arse in my way - and that big arse is to medicate or not to medicate. I've been trying to whittle down my meds and I think that was probably not so great an idea. I really hate taking them though. For over 30 years I've had to take meds for my asthma. I hate taking medication - ALWAYS having to take them - every damn day. It reminds me what I have. And in this instance I have a mental illness.

Mental - what a fucking word????

I hate it. I hate living with it. I hate having it. I hate hate hate hate hate it.

And I'm being childish. I know it. But I just hate the fact that I am wired differently from other people. I can't tell you how much my brain pisses me off. I don't think like other people I don't act like other people. I don't react like other people.

I have periods of ease interspersed with meltdowns. And I never really know when the next one is coming. Do you know what that's like? Some of you do. But most of you couldn't even begin to imagine.

Picture it - a life where you actually have NO CLUE about when next your own brain will fire in the wrong direction and make you feel any of the following:
  • Miserable
  • Like an idiot
  • Reduced to a sobbing mess in a car as you back into a concrete pole
  • So anxious that you have to run to the loo and poop - coz THAT is your anxiety response?!?!?!
  • Afraid of people
  • A desire to lash out at people you don't even know
  • A desire to go out and drink everything you can find
So that's how I live. I don't share it coz I think "Oh look how bad it is" - or - "wow in spite of my life others' have it so much better". This is just my life.

This is some of the stuff that I will blog about.

I'll blog about a whole heap of other shit too.

Some of you will stay.

Some of you will leave.

Sadly - I'll like some of you and your blogs - and you'll think mine is shit and I'm a sad, whiney loser. I probably shouldn't let it get to me but I do.

SO............ I'm gonna do the same shit - might look a little different - might throw in something new - stay or leave.

For those of you who visit - I appreciate it. Here's to moving beyond meltdowns.

For those of you who think it's shit. I give a damn. But move on. I have so much of my own baggage I do not have the wattage to pay attention to yours.

So there it is.




Mauro Paim said...

Shalom back! Now, you are entitled to your periods of "meltdowns". Just don't wallow in them. Come back to us.

I will let you know when i hit rock bottom, too.



Damien Oz said...

And I'll be there to guide you back mate.

queer heaven said...

If and when you have a "meltdown" go ahead and use your blog to vent. Nothing wrong with that at all.It is YOUR blog! Your regular readers (including me) will understand.
As my Grandma would say "A gezunt dir in pupik!"


DuPree said...

Well said. Glad to see you back in the mix.

This is your place to express yourself and that carries an inherent risk. But ultimately, you control what happens here and you can choose to let someone from the other side of the globe take the piss out of you - or you can simply smile and say "shit-stain." and hit the delete button.

More power to you as you return. Glad I still get to share my morning coffee with you and your blog.

fairviewsue said...

You are being way too hard on yourself Damien. Depression is a brain illness. Your brain is one of your body's vital organs that you need to live. Think of it like heart disease. If you had heart disease and needed to take medications to live, would you go off of them? No. So don't go off of your depression meds. I also have depression, though caused by my brain surgery [well and a bit of it is natural too], and I take my meds faithfully. I don't like it, but I do it because I don't think of it like a "mental" illness. I think of it as something I need to do to live. I don't attach any judgments to it at all. We are sick and we need these drugs to live. It is no different than any other disease. Just accept that you have a disease! Then you can love yourself [like we do honey!].

MJ said...

All I ask is that you continue being you.

Bob said...

Here's my take on blogs, yours included:
They are places for the writer to express themselves, however they feel, at any given moment. And you will find people who share your thoughts and opinions and people who think your thoughts and opinions are ridiculous.
But they're YOUR thoughts.
And you have a right to share them, and if people think ill of you, then maybe thgey ought to find something else to read.
I, for one, will always read you.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back. As I said previously, your blog is a great place for you to dump the shit from your life. If we can help get rid of it, then your load is lighter. If anyone doesn't like what you write then they should go somewhere else.

Let's all hope that our good days outnumber the bad days by 100 to 1. Maybe then we can all survive a little better.


Sean said...

Meds - I hope you were adjusting them under your doctor's supervision.

Yes it sucks to take meds every day but you MUST eat every day, crap every day, brush your teeth every day, breath, sleep, and more.

Your Brain - you are not unique (sorry to tell you,) there are possibly millions just like you but you are not in the majority, you are part of a minority. Other minorities that are not like the norm - elite athletes, scientists, successful actors, writers, models, artists, and more.

Have you been checked for bi-polar disorder?

I'm so glad you're feeling better and blogging again.

Prince Toddy English said...

I think your blog is great. I love the realness.
Also, I think it is a good venue to express yourself. I imagine that helps when dealing with depression.

BosGuy said...

No judgement here D-man... This is your little corner of the internet.

If others have a problem they can go to another blog (heaven knows there are plenty out there).

Like Lewis says on his blog (Spirit of St Lewis), "My Words, My World, My Way".


Eran Evan said...

Dear Damien,

I've been reading from a far about your depression, but never commented on it coz I never really felt like I have much to contribute. I can sympathize but will never be able to deeply understand what is going through inside your head.
I just know that this writing certainly can have a good effect on you.
I've had many low points in my life. very low point where i couldn't really function or get my head up, some of these times there were also the meds involved, though didn't really do any real good to me. one of the best things for me was writing. spilling it all out. at 1st you look at the frashly written page as a pile of disordered shit but when you go back to that same page, few weeks or months later, something about it seems much clearer.
anyway, it helps for me but it ain't necessarily a universal law :-)
just for you to know - people out there are interested in what you desire to express.

& Shabat shalom


Wonder Man said...

I'm here and I like it here

Pick said...

I'm Stayin'!

Your Blog is exactly that ... yours!
I enjoy the glimpses into your life and soul.
Happy to go along for the ride with you Damien.

george86 said...

Ive allways looked at my meds the same as having to wear glasses. I wear glasses because i cant see clearly without them. And i take anti depressants because i cant see clearly without them.

normadesmond said...

think i'm glad i found this a few days after it happened. it's settled down now & quieter.

thegayte-keeper said...

I LOVE that you are not wired like anyone else. ORIGINALITY ALL THE WAY!

Mind Of Mine said...

Its ok to have a meltdown every now and then. Its good for the soul.

Just don't let it consume you. Have it, apologize for it if need be but then move on.

It happens to the best of us.