So I had a pretty impressive meltdown a few days ago. It was the sort of meltdown that wanted me to go outside and pick a fight with a total stranger. It was the culmination of a few months of stress, loss, fear and a whole lot of asking myself "what the fuck just happened?" And I didn't lose one day of work. In fact - I don't even think Bubb picked up on it. I've gotten real good at the happy face. But I've been miserable and really angry all the same. Which is why the happy face dropped in such a spectacularly bad manner.
My desire to pick a fight with a stranger manifested in a blog post about American Bloggers. I won't say I regret it - but I do wish I had have written it in a clearer more intelligent manner. It makes me come across as a prick - and I'm really not a prick. But I was in that post.
My meltdown also had me get just a little aggressive with Bubb. That wasn't good either. To be honest, fighting with the one person you know you can always count on leaves you feeling pretty shitty.
...... A Comment .......
So a blogger I have had a bit of a crush on (stupid I know) basically had his own "meltdown moment" and not just called me out on my moment but also basically shat on me as well. I don't know what was behind his outburst but I am kind of wondering if there is more going on in his life than he wants to admit.
Any way - the reaction hurt big time - which also begged they question "Why do I care how and why this person who I never met hurt me?" - truth was - it did because I actually like how this guy puts himself out there. He does it very honestly and without any trappings. And I respect that - and I respected him.
.......... A Big Arse ............
So - I have a big arse in my way - and that big arse is to medicate or not to medicate. I've been trying to whittle down my meds and I think that was probably not so great an idea. I really hate taking them though. For over 30 years I've had to take meds for my asthma. I hate taking medication - ALWAYS having to take them - every damn day. It reminds me what I have. And in this instance I have a mental illness.
Mental - what a fucking word????
I hate it. I hate living with it. I hate having it. I hate hate hate hate hate it.
And I'm being childish. I know it. But I just hate the fact that I am wired differently from other people. I can't tell you how much my brain pisses me off. I don't think like other people I don't act like other people. I don't react like other people.
I have periods of ease interspersed with meltdowns. And I never really know when the next one is coming. Do you know what that's like? Some of you do. But most of you couldn't even begin to imagine.
Picture it - a life where you actually have NO CLUE about when next your own brain will fire in the wrong direction and make you feel any of the following:
- Like an idiot
- Reduced to a sobbing mess in a car as you back into a concrete pole
- So anxious that you have to run to the loo and poop - coz THAT is your anxiety response?!?!?!
- Afraid of people
- A desire to lash out at people you don't even know
- A desire to go out and drink everything you can find
This is some of the stuff that I will blog about.
I'll blog about a whole heap of other shit too.
Some of you will stay.
Some of you will leave.
Sadly - I'll like some of you and your blogs - and you'll think mine is shit and I'm a sad, whiney loser. I probably shouldn't let it get to me but I do.
SO............ I'm gonna do the same shit - might look a little different - might throw in something new - stay or leave.
For those of you who visit - I appreciate it. Here's to moving beyond meltdowns.
For those of you who think it's shit. I give a damn. But move on. I have so much of my own baggage I do not have the wattage to pay attention to yours.
So there it is.