Monday, 28 May 2012

The Politics of Penis........

When I came out in 1990 (dragged out of the closet by my two closest friends at the time actually) there was no personal internet - no iPhones.... you got lucky by going to either a Beat (public sex environment / cruise area) - or a Gay Nightclub....

Needless to say - I knew where I stood in BOTH of these situations..... stood.... knelt..... laid back.... on all fours....... squatted....... bent......bowed............ sat.......... somersaulted (ill tell you about that one some day) ......you get the idea.  There was a smile.  A nod.  Sometimes a wink.  Often a blatantly suggestive crotch grab (me - guilty) and then it was on like two pigs fighting under a blanket - I heart those days.

NOW - O...........M.......... G........... Becky....... It.........Is ..........So..........Hard............... and not in the way I like.

There are SOOOOOOOOO many things you have to have to get some dick.

Some of them include but are not limited to......
  • Foreskin
  • No Foreskin
  • Bubble Butt
  • Nice Smile
  • All Your Teeth (Very important in the American South I hear)
  • A perfectly firm and full pair of Pecs
  • Smooth
  • Hairy
  • Daddy-ness
  • Boy-ness
  • Bear-ness (surprisingly common)
  • If an open relationship - one partner at LEAST must be Uber hot and be the top
  • Be total top
  • Be total Bottom
  • Be vers
  • Be prepared to BB (far more common than one thinks)
  • Be Just Around The Corner (this one seems to be a deal breaker)
  • Have At Least One Kink In Common
  • Have a Type Of Music You Like to Fuck To In Common 
  • You Must Be Masculine..... Not Butch.... (wtf ?!?!!?)
  • And ........... the most important of all.......... be under 40.

Seriously - I've followed French Cordon Bleu recipes that were easier than this!!

Also - apparently you have to be either prepared to talk for many weeks before meeting - or - be an action hero on speed dial with the only conversation being "Oh yeah fuck that ass!!"

Too much for this old fat 40 yr old bear...... I'm going back to French cooking - at least if that doesn't work out all I have at the end is something that looks bad but is still good to eat.......

Shalom

Damien
xox


4 comments:

Trickle Down BS said...

And you will always have somebody like me...way over 40 but who is appreciative of your cooking and your company...and even your handsome looks.

screw all those phony web sites.

saludos,
raulito

MJ said...

This list has exhausted me.

I need a lie down.

YvesPaul said...

Being white and between a certain age is also very important.

Damien said...

Raulito - you smoothie you ;)

MJ - heres a damp cloth - dont ask what i used to dampen it....

YP - Indeed it is...... very true.