Thursday, 21 February 2013


Something I have noticed recently - especially since getting on Twitter - is just how many "friends" people have - and yet they are still very lonely and/or blatantly alone.

Social media is a double edge sword.  It's puts us in touch with so many more people than we could EVER hope to meet in our own daily life - and yet - it can also exacerbate the realisation that, for some, we are truly alone.

I had a chat with my best friend today, and he is considering going back to his home country.  I felt like I had been punched in the stomach with a jack hammer.  And yet, his reasoning is sound, and based on many things that are - in the long run - probably the best.

Also, there is this absolutely lovely man (who reminds me a lot of my best friend actually - the two have almost carbon copy personalities) who I talk to on a daily basis over the net and various apps and I have developed genuine feelings for, and he for me.

And yet - he is half a world away.

Interestingly enough, this situation has highlighted something - I am lonely and *feel* alone.

Now this is not a cry for help or a pity party - just a realisation.  Even living with my best friend, and my mother.  Even with this wonderful man (albeit from another country) who is clearly keen on me.  I feel alone.  And I feel lonely.

I must be, because a negative behaviour I had back during my un-medicated days of my Depression has reared its' head - I want to fuck anything and everything around me.  And I am consumed with porn.

This is not where I thought I would be at 40.

I thought I would have the husband - the house - the dog - the cat et al.  And I am living with my best friend (also my ex), my mother, in a rented home - and I feel completely alone.

I relish the interactions I have with others online.  Twitter et al.  And indeed, it is the only way I can converse with some of my lifelong friends.  And yet when the phone is put down and the computer is turned off..... I am alone.

My ex and I started as online buddies, then fell in love, lived with each other, loved each other, and then fell out of love for a multitude of reasons - and we were together for 10 years..  And it hurts like a knife being twisted slowly in my heart 24/7 - as I know it does for him.  We have always hoped we would get back together.  But sadly, it has not turned out that way.

I worry for him.  I worry for me.  And yet, the parting may be a necessity and could lead to a greater depth in our friendship.  But - we will both be alone still.  Together or apart.

I know some gay men who seem to have an ENDLESS supply of social contacts.  I look at their Facebook profiles.  Their Twitter photos.  And I wonder - are they alone?  Do they feel lonely? Is it just me?  Is it just him?  Although I don't believe it is.  I think many adults are far more lonely than they let on.  I think we are able to kid ourselves now because of the accessibility of "contact" on-line.  When we consciously acknowledge our loneliness, we hop online and get a "fix".  Have some laughs.  Chat about everything and nothing.  Then we log off.

And for me - that is when it hits.

I'm going to admit it.  I am lonely - alone - and only know I am because I have someone who has the balls to tell me - and also by reflecting on my own actions.

So............ not the usual Thursday post..... but I am interested to here your thoughts on this post.

Shalom and blessings to you all.



Buddy Bear said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Buddy Bear said...

We're not used to such soul-bearing honesty online or in real life. I commend you for that!

I am not the usual 50 year-old gay man in that I've only been "alone", separated from my wife, for two years. Our divorce will be final in about six weeks. But I have some or all of my three kids living with me most of the time. So, in fact, I'm never actually "alone."

Now that I'm dating, most of the unpartnered gay men I meet who are my age seem lonely, desperate almost. Thinking they've met Mr. Right (me) they often want to move directly into an LTR only to have it end just as quickly.

kabuki zero said...

and yet we continue on. the human spirit is a strane and wonderful thing.

Patrick said...

I agree with you about social media. People post about what they just ate, or how wonderful their significant other is, or what exciting things they're doing tonight, but reality is always a little bit more mundane...and a bit more complicated. Even though the point is to connect people, it often makes people insecure and envious, at least in my experience. Try to use Facebook, Twitter, and the like in moderation. They can't solve your problems, although they can be fun.

American Irish said...

We all feel alone at some point in life, but life is what we make it. Each day is a new opportunity to make it better.

Anensyo said...

For what it is worth… I don’t keep friends, never have, probably never will. They take too much time and effort, they require dedication and constant reassurance in every aspect of their existence… well at least the folks I have encountered.

Sure, I have the Facebook account that indicates my almost 200 “friends” – reality is that 4 could count as friends (whom I see once a year) and 3 family members. I would agree that most people use the internet, twitter, facebook, etc. as a safety net for that temporary quick reward of interaction. I would rather keep them as people that know me.

Furthermore, I work in a noisy and stressful environment for almost 12 hours every day. The best part of my day is coming home to my empty apartment and just sitting in the silence, the awesome bliss of quiet. I suppose that many would consider me a lonely person, no friends, no social life, nothing fun planned for the weekend… Yet, I find comfort in the peace.

From my experience, it took a few years to understand that I needed to be more self-centered, to define tangible goals and then follow them. My dad would always tell me “everything you do is for you, not me, I have lived my life, it is your turn to make something.” So, I dropped the social stuff for more realistic gains, figured it was best to start with something I could actually do without stressing over what others were doing or wanted from me. Went back to college for another degree, took up walking, started reading books and the internets. Each small success (and the many ridiculous failures) gave a bit more confidence (or maybe a swift kick in the pants) to keep going forward (well usually). It took some time, but I am actually happy – no social media announcements of success, no one is watching the failures either!

Find that part of you that wants to change for the better and then trick it into doing something productive. The friends and social stuff can happen, but it is like growing a flower, it takes time. So, yea, everyone can be lonely when compared to this hyper-media environment that we assume everyone partakes in… (or is addicted to) should this be an issue, nay, forward ever forward.

Wonder Man said...

I truly understand