Something I have noticed recently - especially since getting on Twitter - is just how many "friends" people have - and yet they are still very lonely and/or blatantly alone.
Social media is a double edge sword. It's puts us in touch with so many more people than we could EVER hope to meet in our own daily life - and yet - it can also exacerbate the realisation that, for some, we are truly alone.
I had a chat with my best friend today, and he is considering going back to his home country. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach with a jack hammer. And yet, his reasoning is sound, and based on many things that are - in the long run - probably the best.
Also, there is this absolutely lovely man (who reminds me a lot of my best friend actually - the two have almost carbon copy personalities) who I talk to on a daily basis over the net and various apps and I have developed genuine feelings for, and he for me.
And yet - he is half a world away.
Interestingly enough, this situation has highlighted something - I am lonely and *feel* alone.
Now this is not a cry for help or a pity party - just a realisation. Even living with my best friend, and my mother. Even with this wonderful man (albeit from another country) who is clearly keen on me. I feel alone. And I feel lonely.
I must be, because a negative behaviour I had back during my un-medicated days of my Depression has reared its' head - I want to fuck anything and everything around me. And I am consumed with porn.
This is not where I thought I would be at 40.
I thought I would have the husband - the house - the dog - the cat et al. And I am living with my best friend (also my ex), my mother, in a rented home - and I feel completely alone.
I relish the interactions I have with others online. Twitter et al. And indeed, it is the only way I can converse with some of my lifelong friends. And yet when the phone is put down and the computer is turned off..... I am alone.
My ex and I started as online buddies, then fell in love, lived with each other, loved each other, and then fell out of love for a multitude of reasons - and we were together for 10 years.. And it hurts like a knife being twisted slowly in my heart 24/7 - as I know it does for him. We have always hoped we would get back together. But sadly, it has not turned out that way.
I worry for him. I worry for me. And yet, the parting may be a necessity and could lead to a greater depth in our friendship. But - we will both be alone still. Together or apart.
I know some gay men who seem to have an ENDLESS supply of social contacts. I look at their Facebook profiles. Their Twitter photos. And I wonder - are they alone? Do they feel lonely? Is it just me? Is it just him? Although I don't believe it is. I think many adults are far more lonely than they let on. I think we are able to kid ourselves now because of the accessibility of "contact" on-line. When we consciously acknowledge our loneliness, we hop online and get a "fix". Have some laughs. Chat about everything and nothing. Then we log off.
And for me - that is when it hits.
I'm going to admit it. I am lonely - alone - and only know I am because I have someone who has the balls to tell me - and also by reflecting on my own actions.
So............ not the usual Thursday post..... but I am interested to here your thoughts on this post.
Shalom and blessings to you all.