Monday, 24 June 2013

Aggression and Awkwardness.....

Two things that are a by-product of my depression.

Awkwardness.

If you ever meet me in person - and a few have - one thing you'll find is that I am quite often rather awkward.  This can be silly, miss-the-mark jokes or humour.  To flat out barely saying two words.  I was VERY lucky when I met the adorable Brenton from Aussielicious for the first time.  We had been chatting for a few years and developed a nice e-friendship in the process.  So meeting him wasn't too bad.  (What he didn't know was that I was sweating SO hard with nerves that I was almost able to wring out my jeans after).

The awkwardness can also - somewhat more embarrassingly - manifest as sweat.  When I meet someone; go to a pub on my own; go to the mall; and find that there are ... oh my god... PEOPLE... I kinda lose it.  Whilst you may see me in the corner of the Oxford Hotel on my next trip to Sydney looking quite calm and laid back as I drink my Bundaberg Rum and Coke, inside I am totally shitting myself so hard that 'Depends' keeps texting and offering me shares in the company.

Social settings are something I find SO incredibly difficult.  I can be pretty good one on one.  But a group of people?  Or a place where lots of people are?  Oh just go ahead and scoop out my testicles with a rusty spoon, it'd be far less painful.  When I was younger I had NO problem dealing with people.  A blonde, twink, ballet dancer with a butt you could bounce a football team off generally doesn't have to worry about what people are thinking.  But now my depression - which came with a free side of paranoia - sits on my shoulder and whispers to me so many lovely things that it imagines people are thinking of me.

Awkward.  Uncomfortable.  And, sweaty.   Form a line boys - don't rush :)

Aggression.

This is a part of my depression that I actually fear. 

Many with depression will tell you that when a mood swing hits, it will either be a glacial change over a few days, or it'll be in a second or less.  My aggression usually does a full change in about 3 nano-seconds. 

For example - there is a woman in the team next to mine at my current job.  She is loud.  Oh so loud.  And she has a voice that sounds like a marriage of a screeching banshee and a cat being slowly shredded in a mincer.  And today, from 8am when she arrived, until 1215 when I went on lunch, it did..... not.... stop.  She laughed.  She joked.  She laughed some more.  Then she got on the phone and screeched on there.  Seriously, I'm not talking just talk - she was booming off the walls.  And I didn't have my headphones.  From the very first dissonant guffaw I wanted to hit her.  I wasn't just annoyed or bothered - I actually wanted to get up, go over there, and smack the living shit out of her.  Another time, a guy bumped in to me at the mall.  Total accident.  Busy place.  I wanted to grab the nearest blunt instrument and pummel him with it.  For real. 

Thankfully, I have a healthy measure of self-control.  But these examples above aren't souped up for good reading, these are the impulses I have.  I really want to hit people at times.  Other times, the Monster will come up without any catalyst.  I can be laughing at Kathy Griffin on YouTube one minute, to wanting to grab a four by two and take everyone out in the room the next.

Scares the crap out of me.

It all makes for an event filled life :)

I hate my depression.  But I also hate my asthma.  I take my meds.  I get up and go to work and I deal with it.  It's the best I can do.

Oh....and if I am talking to you and sweating like a pig....just think how I sweat in the sack lol :)

Shalom and blessings to you all

D
xox

3 comments:

iama[GAY]keeper said...

LOVE that you can find humor in the end :-)

Damien said...

Always do mate :)

Victor said...

You just sound human to me, Damien.

As the old advertisement said, keep on keeping on, mate.