Sunday, 7 February 2010

.....................I Am Back.................. Mostly............................

.......................... no this is not a pity party.

If anything....................................... it is a rebirth.

For the past 10 days I have been getting used to a new Anti-Depressant.

For those who don't know what this means, it generally involves a long list of physical and neurological changes that can put one on a roller coaster that would make a free-fall from 10,000 feet look like tripping over the rug.

Thankfully, this time, it has been a somewhat easy transition.

To put this in perspective, the last AD (Anti-Depressant) I was on was an absolute nightmare. I went from Zoloft - the white bread of AD's - to Citalopram (evil incarnate) - which resulted in the following...............

  • Hyper Agression - I would want to go 'postal' and kill the person who pissed me off and all those around me. Case in point - I got 'bumped' by someone in a mall during the transition - they freaked out from the look I gave them. Given my pacifist nature - it was scary.
  • Disturbing dreams - I am not talking about "flashes from the past" - I am talking about nightmares including me strangling people and me carving chunks of their flesh, roasting them, then eating them. A fantastic way to spend a night.
  • Extreme mood swings. I would go from "Glenda" the good witch - to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction in 5 seconds.

Now - I am on Cymbalta and I have to say - HALLELUJAH !!!!!!

(And I am not one for Christian references obviously!)

I have energy - a sense of center - and a mood that I have not experienced for 3 years.............. happiness.

Yup - your blog master from Down Under actually FEELS GOOD !!

In fact, I have a sense of purpose that has eluded me for the past 10 years.

I have spent the last week pondering many things - my husband - my relationship - my career - my cock (I'll explain in a second) - and my behaviours. It hasn't been easy. Actually, it was as easy as shitting a brick out of my arse with no lube - but I got there in the end.

So............................. here it is..........

  • I need to live - not just exist. For this, I need to be active in those things I enjoy. For me, that means being involved in the local ballet community - most notably as a volunteer in my old ballet school - the training school of our state ballet company.
  • I need to be more financially responsible. My partner has always been the one who handles our finances. Those who know me know that I am not a bad person - but money has a tendency to simply slip through my fingers. It is my choice now to be more financially responsible and fiscally adept. I need to be more involved with our bills and our management of money. And I will be.
  • I need to re-engage my cock. Clinical Depression - and AD's - have a negative effect on intimacy - and the regularity of such - I need to try to bring some equilibrium to my hormones.
  • I need to be more empathetic to my husband. He is Clinically Depressed at a worse level than me and I need to support him at a much higher lever than I have been. He is worth it - I consider him an angel that HaShem sent to me.
Another thing, in a few days I will be posting full body shots of me. This will be the start of a journey for me that I have been scared of taking - the re-taking of my body.

For a long time - 6 years - I have given into my weight problem - it is time for the peasants to rebel. I am taking back control of my body.

In six months - I hope to post pictures of results that clearly show a new me.

I have had enough of being overweight and feeling "ugly". Enough is enough. It is time for for "me" to be the architect of my destiny - and not simply be a passenger of circumstance.

I thank all of you who have sent good wishes over the last week - your encouragement has not been in vain.

I am tired of being an unwilling victim of life - I am now taking back the control of my future and the circumstances around me.

Watch this space - it's going to totally kick ass.

That's my 2 cents worth - and I just spent it - in a HUGE fucking way.




The Mistress said...

Oh happy day!

DuPree said...

Good luck to you and all best wishes on this new phase of your journey. I've made the same type of transition twice since the early, dark days of anti-Ds.

All the best, Damien!

MAC said...

Good for you!!! Thanks for taking us along for ride. GOOD LUCK!!!

emcitychris said...

Good to hear that you're headed back to health. I've been on Citalopram for years and it's worked miracles for me. Interesting to hear how it didn't do so for you. Kisses from the states my dear.


Larry Ohio said...

Damien, I can't wait. We're here for you!

The Mutant said...

Ripping new to hear that you're feeling better.

Now can I address the points you made in that post - in fact I'll keep it simple: Good for you!

I quite like the sound of your renewed clarity, focus, drive and desire!

This is exciting stuff for sure - I hope each new day brings new joy for you and I look forward to hearing all about it along the way.


Victor said...

I had no idea of what struggles you face.

I wish you the best with the new regimen.

queer heaven said...

So glad you are back & that things are getting better.
It is wonderful that you feel free to share your demons with all of us.

BosGuy said...

Although my initial reaction is "Oy-vey". I think upon further reflection I'd like to say, "Good Onya Mate". I believe that is how the saying goes in Australia. Any one of those factors would be worth cheering for and I wish you well with all those challenges.

Kyle Leach said...

Go Damien, go!

Skinny Arbuckle said...

i've been on the cymbalta for over a year now. i too agree that it's the best of the bunch.

Wonder Man said...

glad you are getting back on track