.....................I Am Back.................. Mostly............................

.......................... no this is not a pity party.

If anything....................................... it is a rebirth.

For the past 10 days I have been getting used to a new Anti-Depressant.

For those who don't know what this means, it generally involves a long list of physical and neurological changes that can put one on a roller coaster that would make a free-fall from 10,000 feet look like tripping over the rug.

Thankfully, this time, it has been a somewhat easy transition.

To put this in perspective, the last AD (Anti-Depressant) I was on was an absolute nightmare. I went from Zoloft - the white bread of AD's - to Citalopram (evil incarnate) - which resulted in the following...............

• Hyper Agression - I would want to go 'postal' and kill the person who pissed me off and all those around me. Case in point - I got 'bumped' by someone in a mall during the transition - they freaked out from the look I gave them. Given my pacifist nature - it was scary.
• Disturbing dreams - I am not talking about "flashes from the past" - I am talking about nightmares including me strangling people and me carving chunks of their flesh, roasting them, then eating them. A fantastic way to spend a night.
• Extreme mood swings. I would go from "Glenda" the good witch - to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction in 5 seconds.

Now - I am on Cymbalta and I have to say - HALLELUJAH !!!!!!

(And I am not one for Christian references obviously!)

I have energy - a sense of center - and a mood that I have not experienced for 3 years.............. happiness.

Yup - your blog master from Down Under actually FEELS GOOD !!

In fact, I have a sense of purpose that has eluded me for the past 10 years.

I have spent the last week pondering many things - my husband - my relationship - my career - my cock (I'll explain in a second) - and my behaviours. It hasn't been easy. Actually, it was as easy as shitting a brick out of my arse with no lube - but I got there in the end.

So............................. here it is..........

• I need to live - not just exist. For this, I need to be active in those things I enjoy. For me, that means being involved in the local ballet community - most notably as a volunteer in my old ballet school - the training school of our state ballet company.
• I need to be more financially responsible. My partner has always been the one who handles our finances. Those who know me know that I am not a bad person - but money has a tendency to simply slip through my fingers. It is my choice now to be more financially responsible and fiscally adept. I need to be more involved with our bills and our management of money. And I will be.
• I need to re-engage my cock. Clinical Depression - and AD's - have a negative effect on intimacy - and the regularity of such - I need to try to bring some equilibrium to my hormones.
• I need to be more empathetic to my husband. He is Clinically Depressed at a worse level than me and I need to support him at a much higher lever than I have been. He is worth it - I consider him an angel that HaShem sent to me.
  

Another thing, in a few days I will be posting full body shots of me. This will be the start of a journey for me that I have been scared of taking - the re-taking of my body.

For a long time - 6 years - I have given into my weight problem - it is time for the peasants to rebel. I am taking back control of my body.

In six months - I hope to post pictures of results that clearly show a new me.

I have had enough of being overweight and feeling "ugly". Enough is enough. It is time for for "me" to be the architect of my destiny - and not simply be a passenger of circumstance.

I thank all of you who have sent good wishes over the last week - your encouragement has not been in vain.

I am tired of being an unwilling victim of life - I am now taking back the control of my future and the circumstances around me.

Watch this space - it's going to totally kick ass.

That's my 2 cents worth - and I just spent it - in a HUGE fucking way.

Shalom

Damien.
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