Saturday, 14 December 2013

Broken Brain Saturday..

**this is not a sympathy post.

I think I have spoken several times about the unpredictability of Depression and how it can sometimes take you by surprise.

There are times when you see/feel/sense the triggers and that assists in preparing you for the inevitable event.  In some cases, you can take steps to effectively minimise the length and depth of the episode.  Other times - like today - you cannot.

I have trouble sleeping at the best of times.  I always have.  Part of this is my sleep apnoea (for which I am in the process of getting treated for) but part of it is I have a brain that will not shut down.  My brain is continually on the "CD Shuffle".  Whilst I can consciously concentrate on something - like this blog post -  my brain will also have several other things going on at the same time.  There is always some sort of music going on in my head on constant replay.  Today it is "Putting It Together" by Streisand from her Broadway Album (I listened to it in the car yesterday).  I have ideas about my novel that are going through my head etc etc.  I don't have a polluted stream of consciousness, I have a polluted RIVER SYSTEM of consciousness - with many tributaries off to the side.

Earlier in my life after my depression was diagnosed, I genuinely thought I had been misdiagnosed and was actually schizophrenic.  I told my (then) psychologist "It can't be normal for someone to have music going in their head ALL the time".  (I do btw.  There is ALWAYS some sort of music / theme / song playing in my head.  Very annoying at bed time).  A later psychologist advised me that based on all my previously history she was very comfortable saying I was not schizophrenic.  What she did say I had was what she referred to as "busy brain syndrome". 

Basically, my brain can not stop.  It constantly seeks input.  It constantly processes that input.  And basically plays around with it in my head.  The music is apparently a response to when my brain is too quiet.  It needs something happening. 

Thankfully, the anti-depressants have mitigated this somewhat.  But I still have days, like today, where my mind will just not leave me alone.  The downside is that today, it is playing around with memories that are painful, disturbing and horrifying to me.  I am recalling all sorts of events in my life that were very negative and hurtful/painful.  As such, my day has basically been a write off.  I am anxious, uneasy, scared and sad. 

Now whilst this sounds sad, it is more an annoyance to be honest with you.  I had wanted to go out today, maybe to the mall, maybe just for a quiet coffee somewhere.  But I am too on edge to do that.  So I am sitting here watching several shows from Shark Week.  HUGE fan of Shark Week on Discovery Channel and never miss it. 

But again - my broken brain has bested me.

I genuinely wonder if I will ever best it?

That's it for me.

Shalom and blessings to you all



Queer Heaven said...

Whatever state your mind was in when you wrote this post…your photo is quite beautiful!

Damien said...

Thank you QH :)

Very sweet Sir.

MAC said...

I've mentioned before that I suffer from depression as well, but not to the extent that you describe. I've been going through a dark time this Holiday season... I don't know what triggered it. The holidays are usually a joyous time for me.

I've labeled myself a functional depressant (does that even make sense?) I've become a pretty good actor over the years. Even when I'm down, I'm able to play the part of an upbeat, happy person.

Just know that you're not alone.


Damien said...

Thanks for that MAC.

I understand the "good actor" part.

My "happy face" is finely honed.