It Is Dark.

Going through a down patch. Have been for approximately 6 months now. 

I have had my first therapy session with a wonderful psychologist last week. And I have hopes for his ability to help me find answers.  

I live - currently - in dark days and nights of fear.  I hate myself and find nothing good in and of me. I hate my body. I hate my looks. 

I turn 44 on Tuesday with a year gone past of extreme highs and dreadfully personal lows.  Lows that affected me in ways and in levels I hadn't understood.  

I will get better. I have a good psychologist.  I have my mother.  And a wonderful best friend who is a one in a million - truly - and I am blessed to have him in my life. Thank you PJM. 

For now I'm getting to the how's and why's of my crisis and the context of it all on me. 

I am sad, angry, apathetic, enraged, desolate, and numb.  Beige is a good word.  

Before me is a journey that will be challenging and hard. But I will prevail.  I have strength. I have faith. And, most importantly, I have those ready and willing to stand behind me to support me. 

PS your support can be chocolate, a shoulder, custard, coffee, Turkish delight, or a kind word or check-in to see if I'm ok. 

Thank you all for allowing me to vent and put this out there.  Sometimes the pain is lessened by doing so.

Thank you all. 

Shalom and may HaShem bless you all. — looking for help.

Damien

My Pic For Today

RIP... Charlotte Dawson ... 1 Year On...

Charlotte Dawson was an Australian model and celebrity who suffered dreadful depression, and yet still took time out on Twitter to talk to me and chat about life, love and mental health.  She was a classy lady who did not back down from bullies.  And yet those bullies sent her to her death.

She is missed.

By Penelope Kilby for Daily Mail Australia

Published: 09:59 EST, 22 February 2015 | Updated: 17:11 EST, 22 February 2015

 

Sunday marks a year since loved model and TV personality, Charlotte Dawson, took her own life at her Sydney home.

The 47-year-old beauty battled through years of mental health issues and was vocal about her struggle with depression.

A year on from her death, a contingent of her celebrity friends have taken to social media to pay tribute to the Australia's Next Top Model panellist - including designer and colleague, Alex Perry and former contestants Simone Hotznagel and Madeline Huett.  

 

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Tributes flow: Sunday marks a year since loved model and TV personality, Charlotte Dawson, took her own life at her Sydney home

 

The vivacious star's dear friend, Perry kept his social media message simple with an accompanying photograph of the dynamic TV and fashion duo: 'A YEAR AGO TODAY WE LOST THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL #charlotte.'

 

Charlotte's close friend and writer, Jo Thornely, posted a sentimental message via her Instagram account, alongside a picture of a Monopoly board- a game the duo shared

She wrote: 'One year ago we lost the funniest, smartest, fiercest Monopoly opponent the world has ever seen. 

 

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Best friends: The vivacious star's dear friend, Alex Perry kept his social media message simple with an accompanying photograph of the dynamic TV and fashion duo: 'A YEAR AGO TODAY WE LOST THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL #charlotte'

Alex Perry talks about designing and Charlotte Dawson

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Friendship endures: Didier Cohen posted this shot in memory of Charlotte, writing 'I'll never forget that smile'

 

'But, as we shouted so often over the sound of couch-cushion tambourines: you can't always get what you want. I hope you landed on Mayfair, Missus. X' 

Australia's Next Top Model contestant, Simone Hotlznagel also took to Instagram to pen an emotional message early on Sunday, writing: 'One year ago today I lost someone who was a mentor, mother figure and one of my best friends. 

'Harlot I think about you every day and I try to think of all the happy things but a few sadder things slip in sometimes... And the dreams where you call me and tell Madge and I to stop looking for you and you are watching us and we are gonna be fine. Its nice for me to still feel you around.' 

 

 

Sisterhood: Radio host Jackie 'O' Henderson posted a snap of the women's hands, writing 'Miss you Charlotte'

 

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'I hope you landed on Mayfair': Charlotte's close friend, Jo Thornely posted a sentimental message via her Instagram account, alongside a picture of a Monopoly board

Charlotte Dawson found dead in Sydney at the age of 47

She also highlighted the seriousness of mental health issues by adding: 'But today I cannot stop thinking about how you should be here and I know everyone says you're at peace now and thats great, but how f****** unfair is it that one of the most beautiful, generous, smart, kind women I was lucky enough to have in my life, had to kill herself to be at peace. Harlot I love you, I miss you and I f****** wish you were here. XXXX'

 

Another ANTM graduate and Simone's best friend, Madeline Huett posted a beautiful photograph of the pair with Charlotte, who they called 'mum'.

'A whole year already.. Words can't even begin to describe how much I miss you,' she wrote.

 

 

'Mother figure': Australia's Next Top Model contestant, Simone Hotlznagel also took to Instagram to pen an emotional message early on Sunday

 

'Not a single day has gone by since you decided it was your time to go that I haven't thought about you. There have been moments where I've laughed absolutely hysterically and there have been times where I have cried more tears than I thought possible when I think about you and all of our memories together'

The 27-year-old continued, adding: 'I am happier and more proud than I can say to have not only had you in my life, but to have been able to call you a best friend & mentor. Even though from the moment we met it felt like I'd known you a lifetime, I wish it was longer.

'I hope with all of me that you are resting peacefully, but I also hope you're causing some mischief and cackling with that cheeky grin of yours.. But most of all, selfishly, I just f****** wish you were here...'

Designer to the stars and Charlotte's close pal, Camilla Franks honoured the beauty with a precious snap from Australia Fashion Week in 2008.

 

 

Memories: Designer to the stars and Charlotte's close pal, Camilla Franks honoured the beauty with a precious snap from Australia Fashion Week in 2008

 

The pair wore vibrant kaftans from Camilla's collection, embracing with hugs and warms smiles.

She too accompanied the photograph with a heart-warming message: 'A year ago today my heart cried. Not a day goes past that I don't think of Charlotte. We lost a beautiful woman that encouraged us to surrender our seriousness. Bravely shone a light on depression and encouraged us to stand strong and tall and speak our truth. Charlotte I will always miss your light xx C.' 

Model, Laura Dundovic celebrated Charlotte's life with a simple nod to the star's infectious personality alongside a sweet photograph.

She wrote: 'One year ago today.. All of us still missing your beautiful smile, cheeky sense of humour and warm heart xx.'

Nathan Jolliffe and Charlotte became fast friends after they both competed on Celebrity Apprentice in 2012. 

 

 

'I miss you Miss D': Nathan Jolliffe and Charlotte became fast friends after they both competed on Celebrity Apprentice in 2012

 

Like so many, the Sydney-based model used his Instagram account to pay tribute to his friend, writing: 'I can't believe it's been a year. I miss you Miss D.' 

Before her death, the much loved TV host was outspoken in her support of many different charities, and her legacy continues with sales from the homewares range she created before her death giving 80 per cent of its profits to her preferred charities including Lifeline, Community Brave, ACON, Angels Goals and The Smile Foundation.

The Australia's Next Top Model mentor was all too familiar with bullying and was hospitalised in 2012 after she was bombarded with hateful messages by Twitter trolls because of her involvement in an anti-bullying operation.

 

 

A TV favourite: The 47-year-old battled through years of mental health issues and was vocal about her struggle with depression

 

It was reported at the time she had attempted to take her own life.

Following her stay in hospital she appeared on A Current Affair and The Project in an attempt to expose the malice behind Twitter bullying.

In an interview with Channel 9’s 60 Minutes at the time, Charlotte said: ‘It just triggered that feeling of helplessness when the trolls got to me. They got the better of me and they won.’'

She also touched on the topic in her book, Kiss And Tell, which was released in October 2012. 

Shortly before her death, Charlotte signed on as an ambassador for a film project, Drown.

Set for release early next month in conjunction with the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, the movie deals with homophobia, bullying and suicide.

 

 

A-team: Charlotte was a longtime judge and mentor on Australia's Next Top Model alongside good friend, Perry, host Jennifer Hawkins and Didier Cohen

 

 

Drown stars A Place To Call Home star Matt Levett, Jack Matthews and Harry Cook and revolves around Len (Levett) a competitive surf-lifesaver who is out shined by a younger, gay competitor called Phil (Matthews).

Len begins to bully Phil after finding out he is gay, though he himself begins to develop confusing feelings for his victim.

Len and his friend Meat (Cook) take Phil out on a night on the town which ends in tragedy.

 

The film has already sold out of its first screening at the Mardi Gras Film Festival on March 4 with another screening on March 12 still available to purchase.

 

 

Set for release: Before her death, Charlotte signed on as an ambassador for a film project, Drown, which stars A Place To Call Home actor, Matt Levett

 

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Her legacy: The film has already sold out of its first screening at the Mardi Gras Film Festival on March 4 with another screening on March 12 still available to purchase

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2963293/Tributes-flow-Charlotte-Dawson-Sunday-marks-year-took-life.html#ixzz3SSnPanOu

Senior Saturday ... Stephen Fry ....

At the gentle age of 57, Mr Fry would probably be rather bemused by me calling him an LGBT Senior :) - but he is an out gay man who is wonderfully intellectual and beautifully flawed.  He celebrates his flaws and owns them.  He is passionate about people and history.  He is also a great advocate for our community.

He is honest of his life with manic depression and his disappointment with the lack of intellect in the world and how mediocrity is celebrated as "reality TV".

His intellect brings forth a wonderful humour, a sharp wit and a gorgeous celebration of 'words'.  I wish we had more of him, but then he wouldn't be as special. 

Dear Mr Fry, you have helped so many rediscover that knowledge IS a beautiful thing and language is a hard but glorious task-mistress.  Thank you for presenting that smart can be humorous and interesting.  You are a delight Sir.

Shalom

D
xox

People Can Be Horrible....

...a bit of background about Bubb.

Bubb is my partner.  We have been together 12 1/2 years.  He is a man who would do anything for those he cares about and - in some cases - complete strangers who just need someone to step up.

For the last 18months Bubb has been living with increasing chronic neuropathic pain.  This has exacerbated his pre-existing depression and, to put it midly, he is suffering terribly.  Bubb is a big man, and we are considering gastric surgery for him.

Last Monday he had to go to the bank and do a basic transaction.  As he came out, he had a dizzy moment and fell.  As he fell he scratched the right side of his foot / leg / knee / thigh and elbow.  His hip (today) has a bruise the size of both of my hands.  He was bleeding, and the fall exacerbated his current pain.  5 people were in the immediate area.  All 5 laughed but not one offered to help him.  He tried to pull himself up using a pole next  to him.  He doesn't have the upper body strength anymore.  Sadly he lost his grip and fell back again onto his tailbone.  Again, no one helped him.  He sat still for a moment.  He ended up rolling to his knees and was able to slowly push himself up.  And it hurt him to do so.  Still, no one did anything.

He came home hurt, bloody and feeling humiliated. 

He hasn't left the house in a week.  For 2 days he cried on and off.

*This* is the consequence of our inaction.

*This* is what can send someone to the edge of a bridge and have them jump.

*This* is the reason that the partners of people like Bubb control the medicine cabinet.

*This* is the consequence of our inaction.

Bubb is feeling better today.  Somewhat.  But it took a WEEK.

How would YOU answer the person who is the other part of your heart when they ask "Why didn't they help?"

My only response was "If I was there I would have picked you up."

It's not a good enough response.  You know why?.......... coz there were 5 other people on that day who did not pick him up.  Or even offer. 

And their inaction could have resulted in an action from which there would be no reversal.

We must be better.

Shalom

D
xox

The Scary Part Of Me Is...

Uncertainty.

I could quote Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle and the whole "observation of a phenomena changes the phenomena" etc, but simply put .......... there is nothing certain about depression, or any mental illness for that matter, except that it is always there.

Unlike some physical illnesses, you cannot cure mental illness.

You can diagnose, classify, manage, observe, investigate, monitor, mitigate and medicate it.  But you can't cure it.  And one point is quite simple.....it's called mental illness for a reason.  You can't have the term without the word mental.  It's not a nice thing to say, but it's the reality.  The other reality is that you can rarely predict what it will do.

I often get the question "Do you feel it coming on?" like it is the cold or the flu.  Yes, there are indicators I can watch out for.  There are physical feelings that I know can be the beginning of a "funk".  But even then I can't predict when or how it will manifest.

The one part of my depression that is the reality of living with mental illness for me is the aggression.  And here's an example why.  I can be walking past someone, someone I know and like at work, and they can bump me as they go by, all completely unintentional, and I'll giggle with them and wave it off and go back to my desk.  But in my head this happens;

• They bump me.
• The knew they were going to bump me and they didn't even TRY not to.
• They need to pay for that.
• I hit them.
• I hit them again.
• I keep hitting them until they're bloody and broken and until they understand how badly they made me feel and how terrible it was that they bumped me.

All of this is happening in my head in a split second.  And I also have the physical responses.  My heart rate increases.  I feel myself tense up.  I start to sweat.  My breathing gets shallow.  Basically, my "fight" response kicks in.  I go from calm and placid to angry and violent in less than a second.  And it scares the crap out of me.

I hate horror movies.  And my aggression is the reason.  I don't want to watch movies that I already experience in my dreams.  I have dreams that make Eli Roth's carnage look tame.  I have dreams where I am massacring my partner and my Ima - my immediate family.  I have dreams where I am cutting down my workmates one by one in the most abhorrent violence.  I have dreams where I am going Bundy on the neighbourhood.  Children included.

Most depressives have ups and downs.  I have those too but they are mild.  As always, it's the physical fatigue and the mental 'scatterbrain' that are my usual companions.  And I feel that those are the wingmen of the aggression I have inside me.

So the only things I can do are....

I take my meds.  I limit my alcohol.  I get up in the morning and go to work each day.  I do my job well (Extremely well actually).  I come home and take care of Bubb (whose depression makes mine look like a walk in the park by the way).  I ask Ima about her day.  I eat dinner.  Then go to sleep and repeat.  But I do this all in fear.

I have been with Bubb for 12 1/2 years.  He is my best friend, lover, partner and future husband.  But, my fear has more impact on me than he does.  It's not a good thing.  It just is.

So ... again... what I am trying to do here by sharing this.  In the end I am just sharing it.  It will not change anything about my illness nor mitigate the aggression.  It will not change my response when there is a 'bump'.  It doesn't change the uncertainty I live with each day.

I guess it's just about letting you see a little bit more about me.

After all, that's a big part of the reason I started this blog.

May HaShem bless all of you.

Damien
xox 

Things Not To Say.......

........To someone with Clinical Depression.......

1. What's your problem?
2. You just need a hobby.
3. Go for a walk.
4. If you just tried harder......
5. Don't focus on negativity.
6. Smile!
7. Why can't you just feel happy?
8. How bad can it be?
9. I was depressed too when "particular" TV show finished.
10. Just get up and go to work.
11. Sleeping so much isn't good for you.
12. It could be your medication.
13.  And my personal favourite ..................... It's just attention seeking.

Yeah...................... attention seeking.

RIP ... Ms Charlotte Dawson ....

Ms Charlotte Dawson - Australian Celebrity - Co-Host of Australias Next Top Model - Mental Illness Warrior - Challenger of Bullies - and Celebrity who was always happy to chat to the little people...... is dead.

After such a light hearted post below.... this is a really hard one to write.  However, I know she would want all of us to continue to find joy in each day...

I had talked to Charlotte a few times on Twitter about bullying, our shared mental illness issues, and her struggles to keep her head above water.  I found her intelligent, so bloody funny, self-deprecating and humble.

May HaShem embrace her and welcome her with love and a smile.....

I will miss her presence in the world.  A beautiful, intelligent warrior who challenged the bullies, the naysayers and the nasties has left us.

Today is a day where the trolls, bullies and beasts won....

Australia is less today.... 

How Precious Is Life....

No it is not a question, it is a statement.

How precious is life.

On Monday night this week, someone I know emptied a half bottle of valium into themselves.

This was not HBO.  This was not on the TV.  This was not a faceless article in the news.  This was not a couple of codeine with a vodka chaser.  This was a couple dozen valium taken because someone had decided that life was now simply too hard.

This was not someone being a drama queen.
This was not someone seeking attention.
This was not a cry for help.

This was someone deciding that life was just too difficult now.  That death was preferable to any sort of life.

This person has a roof over their head.  Food in their stomach.  A job.  A car.  Family.  And death was more preferable to life.

How did this make me feel?

Everything but angry.

Numb.  Heartbroken.  Sad.  Scared.  Helpless.  Desperate.  Nothing.  Everything.

The thing is, I understand that impulse.  At my worst in 2001, I carried around a full bottle of prescription sleeping pills for a week.  The only reason I didn't take them was a phone call from my mother one night who was calling "just to say hi".  But this isn't about me.

And it is.

When depression is referred to as The Black Dog, The Monster, The Enemy, people aren't kidding.

It is now Thursday night and I am sitting still unable to make sense of it all if I am honest.  And I live with my depression 24/7.  And yet, I can not understand the exact depth of pain that person was feeling at that particular moment.

You see, I have known this person for a long time and am well aware of (so I thought) how hard life is for them.
At least I thought.  You see, I would never have thought that they would actually do what they did.  Yes I had heard them mention it a few times, most people with Clinical Depression want to die at some point.    And many succeed.

THAT is the statistic we hear about - the ones who DO die.

What we don't hear about ENOUGH are the ones that attempt to die, or hurt themselves.  My friend is one of those people who we do not think about.  For every person who DOES succeed in suicide, it is estimated that 30 people attempt to.

These statistics are not newsworthy because these people live.  Well, it was newsworthy for me on Monday night.  And this person is not a statistic, they are a friend I care about.

I am talking about statistics here because it is still too difficult for me to talk about it directly for too long.  It is only the 4th night after.

This person has told me how much I mean to them and how important my friendship is to them.  And yet, they still took the valium.

In that moment - I was not enough
In that moment - their family was not enough.
In that moment - a potential future was not enough.
In that moment - life was not enough.

How precious is life.

Treasure it and never take it for granted.

And if this happens to you, and you are sitting at your computer surfing the web on the 4th night and you still do not know what to make of it, that is ok.

It will simply take time.  For you and for them.

There is only one thing I will say - it is worth NOT taking the valium.
Things can change, even if just a small amount.

On the 4th night, I have realised that my life has changed.  I can not describe how just yet.  And I may not share it when I work out how.

This is just how I am right at this moment of typing.  

For someone I know, life has also changed for them.  When they know how, I hope they will tell me.

L'Chayim.
To Life.

Damien
x

Broken Brain Saturday..

**this is not a sympathy post.


I think I have spoken several times about the unpredictability of Depression and how it can sometimes take you by surprise.

There are times when you see/feel/sense the triggers and that assists in preparing you for the inevitable event.  In some cases, you can take steps to effectively minimise the length and depth of the episode.  Other times - like today - you cannot.

I have trouble sleeping at the best of times.  I always have.  Part of this is my sleep apnoea (for which I am in the process of getting treated for) but part of it is I have a brain that will not shut down.  My brain is continually on the "CD Shuffle".  Whilst I can consciously concentrate on something - like this blog post -  my brain will also have several other things going on at the same time.  There is always some sort of music going on in my head on constant replay.  Today it is "Putting It Together" by Streisand from her Broadway Album (I listened to it in the car yesterday).  I have ideas about my novel that are going through my head etc etc.  I don't have a polluted stream of consciousness, I have a polluted RIVER SYSTEM of consciousness - with many tributaries off to the side.

Earlier in my life after my depression was diagnosed, I genuinely thought I had been misdiagnosed and was actually schizophrenic.  I told my (then) psychologist "It can't be normal for someone to have music going in their head ALL the time".  (I do btw.  There is ALWAYS some sort of music / theme / song playing in my head.  Very annoying at bed time).  A later psychologist advised me that based on all my previously history she was very comfortable saying I was not schizophrenic.  What she did say I had was what she referred to as "busy brain syndrome". 

Basically, my brain can not stop.  It constantly seeks input.  It constantly processes that input.  And basically plays around with it in my head.  The music is apparently a response to when my brain is too quiet.  It needs something happening. 

Thankfully, the anti-depressants have mitigated this somewhat.  But I still have days, like today, where my mind will just not leave me alone.  The downside is that today, it is playing around with memories that are painful, disturbing and horrifying to me.  I am recalling all sorts of events in my life that were very negative and hurtful/painful.  As such, my day has basically been a write off.  I am anxious, uneasy, scared and sad. 

Now whilst this sounds sad, it is more an annoyance to be honest with you.  I had wanted to go out today, maybe to the mall, maybe just for a quiet coffee somewhere.  But I am too on edge to do that.  So I am sitting here watching several shows from Shark Week.  HUGE fan of Shark Week on Discovery Channel and never miss it. 

But again - my broken brain has bested me.

I genuinely wonder if I will ever best it?

That's it for me.

Shalom and blessings to you all

D
xox

Why I Hate My Brain....

For the Haters and Mr Sad - don't read this - actually fuck off from my blog altogether please - you bore me.

In the post below I mentioned how I hate moving house - and how I hate moving a house whilst being a depressive.

My broken brain- henceforth referred to as brobra - is a pain in the ass when it comes to ANYTHING out of the ordinary that isn't routine or part of my "ritual".

For most people, change is something that they can adapt to with a bit of moaning, groaning, but ultimately being able to absorb the challenge and go forward.  For those with mental illness of any kind, this is extremely difficult and here is why.

The primary tactic mental health professionals will tell you is STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE, STRUCTURE.  Have a structure to your day.  Even if it is a loose one, have some sort of framework for how you start and journey through your day. 

Sounds simple right?  It is one of the hardest things to do because life rarely lets your have a structured day.  From the little hiccups at work, to life events, to a change of work schedule, or a major life event, the structure often gets thrown out the window.  And the effect is something like this.......

You begin to run around like a crazy woman at an end of season sale.
Your heart rate doubles.
You begin to shut down - bit by bit.
Someone stands behind you glueing bricks to every part of your body, weighing you down.
And you suddenly find yourself standing on the brink of a chasm that seems not only impossible to get to the other side of, but you are convinced that if you even try, you'll fall to your death.

Sound dramatic?  It isn't drama.  Its a brobra in panic mode. 

I have actually broken down crying today whilst putting in place a plan just for the next two days as that is all I can handle.  My ability to plan whilst remaining even partly funtional is 48 hours.

That's life with a brobra.  And I am only a Clinical Depressive, if I was a Manic Depressive (Bipolar) I would more than likely be in hospital on heavy meds.

So........ for those who live without mental illness, this is a little insight into a life with it.

Fun huh?

Blessings n Shalom to you all

D
xox

Kevin Breel... Confessions of Depression......

The single most honest and clearest description of Depression I have ever heard.  Including my own.

Watch this.  It will only take a small amount of your time.

Please.

But as you do, know this............ in the time it takes you to watch it 22 people have taken their lives in the world due to Depression.

I live with this each and every day of my life and to say it is a struggle would demean it.  It's a war. 

We must do more.

Aggression and Awkwardness.....

Two things that are a by-product of my depression.

Awkwardness.

If you ever meet me in person - and a few have - one thing you'll find is that I am quite often rather awkward.  This can be silly, miss-the-mark jokes or humour.  To flat out barely saying two words.  I was VERY lucky when I met the adorable Brenton from Aussielicious for the first time.  We had been chatting for a few years and developed a nice e-friendship in the process.  So meeting him wasn't too bad.  (What he didn't know was that I was sweating SO hard with nerves that I was almost able to wring out my jeans after).

The awkwardness can also - somewhat more embarrassingly - manifest as sweat.  When I meet someone; go to a pub on my own; go to the mall; and find that there are ... oh my god... PEOPLE... I kinda lose it.  Whilst you may see me in the corner of the Oxford Hotel on my next trip to Sydney looking quite calm and laid back as I drink my Bundaberg Rum and Coke, inside I am totally shitting myself so hard that 'Depends' keeps texting and offering me shares in the company.

Social settings are something I find SO incredibly difficult.  I can be pretty good one on one.  But a group of people?  Or a place where lots of people are?  Oh just go ahead and scoop out my testicles with a rusty spoon, it'd be far less painful.  When I was younger I had NO problem dealing with people.  A blonde, twink, ballet dancer with a butt you could bounce a football team off generally doesn't have to worry about what people are thinking.  But now my depression - which came with a free side of paranoia - sits on my shoulder and whispers to me so many lovely things that it imagines people are thinking of me.

Awkward.  Uncomfortable.  And, sweaty.   Form a line boys - don't rush :)

Aggression.

This is a part of my depression that I actually fear. 

Many with depression will tell you that when a mood swing hits, it will either be a glacial change over a few days, or it'll be in a second or less.  My aggression usually does a full change in about 3 nano-seconds. 

For example - there is a woman in the team next to mine at my current job.  She is loud.  Oh so loud.  And she has a voice that sounds like a marriage of a screeching banshee and a cat being slowly shredded in a mincer.  And today, from 8am when she arrived, until 1215 when I went on lunch, it did..... not.... stop.  She laughed.  She joked.  She laughed some more.  Then she got on the phone and screeched on there.  Seriously, I'm not talking just talk - she was booming off the walls.  And I didn't have my headphones.  From the very first dissonant guffaw I wanted to hit her.  I wasn't just annoyed or bothered - I actually wanted to get up, go over there, and smack the living shit out of her.  Another time, a guy bumped in to me at the mall.  Total accident.  Busy place.  I wanted to grab the nearest blunt instrument and pummel him with it.  For real. 

Thankfully, I have a healthy measure of self-control.  But these examples above aren't souped up for good reading, these are the impulses I have.  I really want to hit people at times.  Other times, the Monster will come up without any catalyst.  I can be laughing at Kathy Griffin on YouTube one minute, to wanting to grab a four by two and take everyone out in the room the next.

Scares the crap out of me.

It all makes for an event filled life :)

I hate my depression.  But I also hate my asthma.  I take my meds.  I get up and go to work and I deal with it.  It's the best I can do.

Oh....and if I am talking to you and sweating like a pig....just think how I sweat in the sack lol :)

Shalom and blessings to you all

D
xox

I Am Tired....

When I go to bed...

When I get up in the morning...

From my Depression...

For my friend whose depression overwhelms him...

A side effect of my anti-depressants and asthma steroid...

Of looking for a new job...

Of not being taken seriously - though that is partly my fault for playing the role I believe others expect of me...

Of being a pussy and too scared to finish my novel for fear of rejection...

Of being fat...

Of having no energy... at all... ever....

Of wanting a life but not having any energy for one...

Of waiting in general...

Of being a "politely treated but not engaged" friend to some people...

Of not knowing what I did to deserve the crap of the last 5 years...

Of putting on my happy / smiley face because people don't respond to who I actually am very favourably...

Of being fine one minute.... then feeling absolutely desperate the next...

Of trying to make choices that don't piss people off and failing...

Of being tired 24/7...

Going Under...

I discovered Evanescence in 2005 and fell in love with the tortured lyrics and melodic cries for help.

It was my depression in a soundtrack.

I particularly like this song because it describes me when I am in an episode - it also visually describes my fear of people. 

On some days when I leave the house this is how the outside world appears to me (metaphorically of course not literally) and I am fearful of crowds and unknown people. I have been out and about and in a second my brain will flick the switch and I feel like I am in the middle of a Dali-esque horror scene.

Mall trips can be fun for me on MANY levels lol.

Enjoy....

All I Want In 2013 Is To Be Understood........

My "Monster" - Clinical Depression - means that my responses or reactions or actions can sometimes swing from one extreme to the other.

A blogger I look up to is no longer answering my emails.  This blogger is someone I respect immensely and - along with Brenton at Aussielicious - got me inspired to build my own blog.  But unfortunately he appears to have - I am guessing here - found my extreme swings and somewhat "quirky" ways difficult to deal with.

And as someone that he has no real link to or interest in, I feel he has simply washed his hands of me.  I don't think there is any malice in his decision, but as busy as he is these days, I simply believe has come to the conclusion that he just doesn't have the time or energy for it.  Again, which I can understand.

What saddens me though, is that I both like and respect this person immensely.  I flippantly attempted to throw myself at him in a professional way, and it could have been misinterpreted in several different ways - one of them being that it may have been seen as me attempting to take advantage of his new situation.

This got me thinking......... I have been described by people as being "hard to keep up with".  And I am.  I have been told that I can come across as having one set of intentions, when actually my intent is completely different.  The Monster can take me from wo to yay to "I want to go postal and take you all with me" all in one day....... sometimes all in one hour.

I'm a naturally effusive guy and can often be misinterpreted as being sycophantic or kiss-arse.

I speak my mind and will do so bluntly and with less eloquence and more cussing than I  normally would and yes, sometimes I do tend to overreact.  Again, in hindsight, I wish I hadn't but it is often difficult to stop the Monster from egging me on.

Not that I say any of the above to try to give myself free license to do or say anything and blame it on the Monster, more to show that the Monster DOES have an influence over me.  Sometimes more.  Sometimes less.

So here is my New Year Challenge to All of You......

Look beyond the obvious.  Try to see me as something else than a blogger who "appears" to be all over the place.  Ask me if you need to understand something or if I say something that you believe to be inappropriate or over the top.

I'm quirky.  Cooky.  And sometimes altogether ooky.

But I am also honest, loyal and will never lie to you.

After a year of being misunderstood by many, maybe now I can have a year where people really do see inside the bubble of the Monster and are able to distinguish between HIM and ME.

I am worth the effort.  Just as I try to make the effort with others.

Why?

Because I/We should try :) - through the trying we often happen upon wondrous things we never expected to happen upon.

May 2013 bring you all health, happiness and hope.

Thank you so much for visiting throughout 2012.

My blessings and my prayers.

Damien
xox

The Sadness of Others.....

Having Clinical Depression is a burden to bear - no doubt - but I often look to those who suffer it much worse than I.

There is a pain in seeing your loved ones suffer.  Be it physical or mental illness.  The difference is that in many instances - tho not all - you can alleviate physical suffering.  It's significantly more difficult to alleviate mental suffering.

I have a thousand and one ways that I can describe how *I* feel - how *my* depression affects me - and those few things that can assist *me* - but it's only about / concerning / affecting me. One can not understand someone else's mental illness - because it is all so different - some subtly so, some widely so.

When it's someone you care deeply about / love, it is a pain that is a dull throbbing of your heart that doesn't worsen, but never eases either.

There is a helplessness and frustration one feels when there is nothing left you can do to lessen their burden.  You know they are in a similar type of pain.  You know there is a *possible* way you *might* help them - but there is a good chance it won't work...

Unfortunately, the by-product of this can be an aggravation of ones' own Depression.  Not good.

But how can you NOT try to help?  Of course it will take a toll on you.  But ask someone taking care of a loved one through say cancer, or HIV, or alzheimers.... they'll all tell you at times there can be a moment of "really?? again??" but they won't walk away.  You can't.  You won't.  It's love.


Do you have a friend or loved one with Depression/Serious Illness?  Are you always there for them?   Do you feel that urge to walk away sometimes?  If you do - congratulations, you're a real person.  If you get up every morning with a sunny disposition knowing that you are going to "do good" - you probably have the 'Florence Nightingale' complex and are DOING less good and more LOOKING good.

We often kid ourselves about the impact we have on other peoples lives, but it doesn't mean anyone should not try to make a difference.  Managing the expectations of ones impact is more difficult.

I'd like to think that I make a measurable impact on others and certainly I have been told so, but the frustration and the helplessness still hangs around.

I guess I am not managing my own expectations well enough.

Blessings n Shalom

D
xox

PS A moment of serenity - taken when needed :)

Inside My Mind......

I was having a discussion once with a work colleague about depression.... her husband is a Clinical Depressive like me, but won't open up to her about the reality of what it's like for him ......her question was.... "What happens in your mind?"..... 

The following is a list of the things that are "happening" in my mind......

• Emotions battle with each other for supremacy - yet there is never a winner....
• My brain will "break" in a nano-second and I will go from what ever mood I am in to something completely different....
• My broken brain generates dreams that would scare the shit out of both Dali and Tarentino - in one of them I am a serial killer.......... what I do would make Dahmer puke.....
• I can be in the mall - perfectly fine and having a wonderful time shopping and enjoying myself - then my brain will sprain and I am suddenly and totally terrified of those around me.... 
• I am completely and absolutely alone in my head..... there are none that experience what I do... it is the nature of mental illness that is unique to the individual....
• The 'Monster" will circle me like a Great White Shark...... but will move off.... I feel safe... then I am suddenly thrown from the ocean of my sanity into a moment of madness that is so terrifying it would make you shit your pants.... really....
• I have no flight or fight mode........... only "escape"........
• I seek change but have no earthly idea what to change or how or when ......
• I desperately desire the company of others.... but their company makes me so anxious I have to go shit.... repeatedly.... no kidding....
• My anxiety reflex is shitting......... repeatedly... sometimes 7 times a day....... attractive isn't it...
• I question the most simple and non-offensive of remarks...... often negatively.... always in a self reflective mode.... usually to my detriment.....
• I seek comfort........... but I know not from whom or what......
• Bubb provides the only sense of "safety" I have.... He is a blessing from G-d and an answer to a prayer I spent nearly three years praying for..... Miracles do happen - and he is one......
• I am tired...... all the time...... bone tired...... mentally exhausted.....
• I have a high IQ - which means I get bored easily..... If I am not stimulated somehow.... the "Monster" pounces... and I have no defence against it.....
• When I am 'up'............I am Everest........ when I am 'down' ............ I am the Marianus Trench.....
• There is no way .... no words or language.... that can describe how utterly alone I feel... even when surrounded by those I love and am loved by......
• I am not a drama queen............ and you should NEVER call someone with depression that name.... we are sick........ just like a physical sickness, but it is centred in our brain.....
• I have no answers to the hundreds of questions my "self" asks me....
• I feel like an idiot all the time........ for no reason......
• I don't know how else to describe it except for this........ I would not wish this illness on the worst of enemies..... the most inhumane dictator.... nor the worst criminal....... 

Clinical Depression.......... if you do not have it you will never understand.... if you have it, you will only EVER understand your own.... and when you do...... the "Monster" will change the rules....

My love & blessings to you all....

Shalom

Damien
xox

I Am In Jail.......

I call my Depression one of two things.... The Broken Brain.... and/or The Monster... in reality it should be called The Warden.

There is so much I want to do but my D has me afraid of people - leaving the house - taking chances.

Yes I am having a bad day.  First bad funk in a while.... with the exception of the usual melancholy or numb days.

I have so many talents and creative skills.  I have a good personality.  And I have so much I want to do.  But the thought of leaving my house and going "out there" and taking a chance terrifies me.

Yes I am able to shrug it all off with that twisted sense of humour of mine.  But The Warden is IN today and I feel worthless and useless and I hate myself.  More than usual.

It will pass and I'll be back to Happy Charming Funny Damien (yeah yeah.... I know...)

But today I am a prisoner of The Warden in a Jail that feels like a dark hole with no ladder or ability to climb out.

If any of you ever think people living with Clinical Depression "Dont have it that bad / Are just drama queens" - come back and read my posts.

Coz I'm sugar coating it. 

If I told you the thoughts that actually went through my head and the emotions and fears I have in HONEST detail............. you'd crap yourself.

Clinical Depression is a Jail and my broken brain is the Warden.

I hate it - but I have no choice but to live with it.

Shabbat Shalom and Blessings to you all.

Damien
xox

Someone You Know Is Suffering..........

Clinical Depression affects 1in 10 in Australia - 1 in 6 in the USA.

Most will have to see between 4 & 10 doctors before they are properly diagnosed.

Of those with Depression who are misdiagnosed, 1 in 5 will attempt suicide.  20% of those will succeed.

Gay Men  & Lesbians experience Environmental Depression - depression caused by ones life environment - at a rate 4 times that of their Heterosexual counterparts.

Depression is mostly organic - that is hereditary - as are most mental illnesses.

Depression can also be episodic - directly caused by a life episode eg...

• Infection of HIV / diagnosis of a terminal illness
• Death of loved one
• Loss of a job
• Betrayal / disassociation by a partner
• Bullying
• Major Illness

Those with Manic Depression - also known as Biploar Disorder - live with an illness often described as "Periods of sanity interrupted by periods of a chaotic horror that can not be adequately described" - Few Manic Depressives who attempt suicide survive.

Those with Depression are often shunned by friends / family and often referred to as "Needy / High Maintenance / Attention Seeking / Precious /  Difficult".  When the individual attempts to explain their feelings, they are often ridiculed and/or told such phrases as "Don't be silly" - "Toughen Up" - "Why can't you be 'easier'?"

Those with Depression are 4 times as likely to engage in some form of patterned behaviour such as excessive alcohol intake, high levels of promiscuity, higher recreational drug use (most commonly marijuana and/or speed).

Few doctors are trained in Depression and patients often report that they have been informed by their doctor to "Get a hobby and try to keep yourself occupied".

By the time you have finished reading this - 1 person in Australia will have committed suicide - 10 people in America will have committed suicide.