I call my Depression one of two things.... The Broken Brain.... and/or The Monster... in reality it should be called The Warden.
There is so much I want to do but my D has me afraid of people - leaving the house - taking chances.
Yes I am having a bad day. First bad funk in a while.... with the exception of the usual melancholy or numb days.
I have so many talents and creative skills. I have a good personality. And I have so much I want to do. But the thought of leaving my house and going "out there" and taking a chance terrifies me.
Yes I am able to shrug it all off with that twisted sense of humour of mine. But The Warden is IN today and I feel worthless and useless and I hate myself. More than usual.
It will pass and I'll be back to Happy Charming Funny Damien (yeah yeah.... I know...)
But today I am a prisoner of The Warden in a Jail that feels like a dark hole with no ladder or ability to climb out.
If any of you ever think people living with Clinical Depression "Dont have it that bad / Are just drama queens" - come back and read my posts.
Coz I'm sugar coating it.
If I told you the thoughts that actually went through my head and the emotions and fears I have in HONEST detail............. you'd crap yourself.
Clinical Depression is a Jail and my broken brain is the Warden.
I hate it - but I have no choice but to live with it.
Shabbat Shalom and Blessings to you all.
Damien
xox
5 comments:
I understand. Really.
I understand and feel your pain. My best friend Dawn suffers with Clinical Depression. She would have very, very, good days or weeks followed by very, very, very bad days or weeks. I thank God she went to the doctor I found for her and now with consoling and meds her bad days are tolerable so she can function and work. I will keep you in my prayers.
Damiam I too have Clinical Depression. Yesterday I made a break through by connecting some dots. Having experienced two significant episodes of depression that lasted multiple years. The 1st episode lasted from 1992 until 2000 and the second one from 2007 until now. I finally realized they both were triggered by very similar events. See if you can figure out what is triggering your episodes.
I guess there are just so many of us lost in the crevices and cracks of the random suburbs of the world. I feel for you Damien and to each of the others out there as well.
I have been confined for the past twelve years, following diagnosis of both Depression and Agoraphobia. For me, the meds were a joke and after several years of taking all they had to offer me, I made the decision to take it on the chin and grin and bare it. I exist, just barely but I'm still here.
I have the dark days and the lighter days like the rest of our growing population but I try to maintain some level of productiveness to my limited life. The last month has been pretty dark but like you I know I'll find my way back.
My thoughts will be with you and I hope that this bout for you is a brief one.
Thank god for naked men on the computer, right?
Have you read 'Depression: The Way out of your Prison' by Australian psychologist Dorothy Rowe? It's excellent.
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