Saturday, 6 October 2012

Inside My Mind......

I was having a discussion once with a work colleague about depression.... her husband is a Clinical Depressive like me, but won't open up to her about the reality of what it's like for him ......her question was.... "What happens in your mind?"..... 

The following is a list of the things that are "happening" in my mind......
  • Emotions battle with each other for supremacy - yet there is never a winner....
  • My brain will "break" in a nano-second and I will go from what ever mood I am in to something completely different....
  • My broken brain generates dreams that would scare the shit out of both Dali and Tarentino - in one of them I am a serial killer.......... what I do would make Dahmer puke.....
  • I can be in the mall - perfectly fine and having a wonderful time shopping and enjoying myself - then my brain will sprain and I am suddenly and totally terrified of those around me.... 
  • I am completely and absolutely alone in my head..... there are none that experience what I do... it is the nature of mental illness that is unique to the individual....
  • The 'Monster" will circle me like a Great White Shark...... but will move off.... I feel safe... then I am suddenly thrown from the ocean of my sanity into a moment of madness that is so terrifying it would make you shit your pants.... really....
  • I have no flight or fight mode........... only "escape"........
  • I seek change but have no earthly idea what to change or how or when ......
  • I desperately desire the company of others.... but their company makes me so anxious I have to go shit.... repeatedly.... no kidding....
  • My anxiety reflex is shitting......... repeatedly... sometimes 7 times a day....... attractive isn't it...
  • I question the most simple and non-offensive of remarks...... often negatively.... always in a self reflective mode.... usually to my detriment.....
  • I seek comfort........... but I know not from whom or what......
  • Bubb provides the only sense of "safety" I have.... He is a blessing from G-d and an answer to a prayer I spent nearly three years praying for..... Miracles do happen - and he is one......
  • I am tired...... all the time...... bone tired...... mentally exhausted.....
  • I have a high IQ - which means I get bored easily..... If I am not stimulated somehow.... the "Monster" pounces... and I have no defence against it.....
  • When I am 'up'............I am Everest........ when I am 'down' ............ I am the Marianus Trench.....
  • There is no way .... no words or language.... that can describe how utterly alone I feel... even when surrounded by those I love and am loved by......
  • I am not a drama queen............ and you should NEVER call someone with depression that name.... we are sick........ just like a physical sickness, but it is centred in our brain.....
  • I have no answers to the hundreds of questions my "self" asks me....
  • I feel like an idiot all the time........ for no reason......
  • I don't know how else to describe it except for this........ I would not wish this illness on the worst of enemies..... the most inhumane dictator.... nor the worst criminal....... 
Clinical Depression.......... if you do not have it you will never understand.... if you have it, you will only EVER understand your own.... and when you do...... the "Monster" will change the rules....

My love & blessings to you all....

Shalom

Damien
xox

3 comments:

G said...

From the Laurential Abyss to the Marianus Trench - I salute you.

Jason said...

Honest and interesting post, thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for that.....it's so true, and your friends will never understand what seems to be madness.