Monday, 14 March 2016

It Is Dark.

Going through a down patch. Have been for approximately 6 months now. 

I have had my first therapy session with a wonderful psychologist last week. And I have hopes for his ability to help me find answers.  

I live - currently - in dark days and nights of fear.  I hate myself and find nothing good in and of me. I hate my body. I hate my looks. 

I turn 44 on Tuesday with a year gone past of extreme highs and dreadfully personal lows.  Lows that affected me in ways and in levels I hadn't understood.  

I will get better. I have a good psychologist.  I have my mother.  And a wonderful best friend who is a one in a million - truly - and I am blessed to have him in my life. Thank you PJM. 

For now I'm getting to the how's and why's of my crisis and the context of it all on me. 

I am sad, angry, apathetic, enraged, desolate, and numb.  Beige is a good word.  

Before me is a journey that will be challenging and hard. But I will prevail.  I have strength. I have faith. And, most importantly, I have those ready and willing to stand behind me to support me. 

PS your support can be chocolate, a shoulder, custard, coffee, Turkish delight, or a kind word or check-in to see if I'm ok. 

Thank you all for allowing me to vent and put this out there.  Sometimes the pain is lessened by doing so.

Thank you all. 

Shalom and may HaShem bless you all. — looking for help.



Justin said...

I hope you get better mate. You are a wonderful person.

Damien said...

Thank you Justin. I'm on the road to it. Let's hope there aren't any detours.

Cy said...

I hope your therapy sessions do the trick. Life is too short to be bogged down by bullshit. Get a positive outlook and always look to the bright side. I sincerely hope that all the readers of this blog should give you some sense of belonging as this group continues to give you support. All the best, Cy

Mark in DE said...

So sorry you've been having such a rough time lately. I hope your therapy (and possibly medication) will help you feel better soon and more like yourself. Its good to see that you have optimism toward your recovery!

Anonymous said...

Be not idle is the best advice I can give. Even though it feels better to pull the blanket over your head and stay in bed , don't , get up do something , walk for 30 mins. I just finished 14 days residential alcohol detox. Now the tough stuff starts . such as talking about what turned me into a drunk to begin with. Good luck and best wishes.

Damien said...

Thank you all - yes the therapy is helping as is my new medication regime.

Mental illness is not the easiest to manage but thankfully I have good people in my corner.

Anonymous said...

Wishing you all the best and positive thoughts coming your way from Canada. I live with depression myself so feel I have a fairly good idea of what you are going through. Hang in there - as we both know, better days are ahead.